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TALKS 



TALKS 



GEORGE THATCHER 

The Celebrated Minstrel 



Containing nis 

Monologues, Parodies, Songs, Sketches 
Poems, Jokes, Etc., Etc. 



Philadelphia 
The Penn Publishing Company 

1918 



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Copyright, 1890, by the rENN Publishing Company 



Copyright, 191 8, by George Thatcher 



Publisher 



APR 2 1918 



CONTENTS 



MONOLOGUES 

PAGE 

My Experience in the Dry Goods Business 7 

A Few Remarks on Pants IO 

A Lesson in Etiquette . . . . 13 

When I was a Baker . « « 16 

The Story of the Old Arm-Chair 17 

My Son John 20 

Patents Applied For • • . . . 23 

Salt Water Adventures 27 

Hard Luck 30 

Hannah Beasley 33 

V Quiet Summer Resort 35 

vVhat I saw in Washington 39 

rhe Hebrew Children 41 

A. Fowl Proceeding 44 

3 



4 CONTENTS 

PAGE 

My Wife 46 

My Boarding Houses . . , 49 

The Horse Business 51 

The Stock Broker 54 

Superstition 58 

The Census Enumerator 62 

POETIC EFFUSIONS 

The Minstrel's Seven Ages 66 

Poetic Inspiration 69 

Willie and nis Esmeralda 70 

An Adhesive Poem 72 

Only 73 

A " Yaller " Dog's Love for a Nigger 75 

PARODIES ON POPULAR SONGS 

Down on the Farm 77 

In the Gloaming 79 

The Moss Covered Onion 80 

Banana 81 

The Blue Alsacian Mountains 83 



CONTENTS 5 



PAGB 



Think it Over c . 84 

Home, Sweet Home 85 

Grandfather's Pants 87 

Montravers O'Brien • 89 

SAMPLES OF MY PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE 

Ex-President Cleveland's Anniversary Letter (Written on his 

50th Birthday) 96 

John McCullough's Indorsement 96 

An Invitation from Sara Bernhardt 97 

From the Rev. Dr. Houghton 98 

" Eli Perkins's " Letter 98 

English Wit and Sarcasm 99 

From a Composer 100 

An Application from an "Artist " 101 

The " Shindig " did it 103 

A Lost Opportunity 103 

Terms Accepted 104 

A Good Subject 105 

A Rival Intercepted ..♦....,..♦.. ioj 



6 CONTENTS 

PAGB 

Contrary Opinions 106 

Written Under Difficulties 107 

CONDENSED TALKS 

On Various Subjects « HO 

Clipping* from the Press 115 

Advice to Amateurs 123 

What Constitutes Successful Management 130 

Valedictory • 138 



MONOLOGUES 



MY EXPERIENCE IN THE DRY GOODS 
BUSINESS 



When I was a boy, a little after seven- 
teen — about half-past seventeen — I was 
compelled to stand behind a dry goods 
counter all day long, and unless you have 
had some experience as a (( tape wrestler," 
you cannot imagine how irksome it becomes 
to one of a sensitive nature and so highly 
strung as I am. In fact, all my relations 
are high strung. I had a cousin who was 
hanged, but it wasn't through dry goods, 
and it was very much against his will. He 
was fortunate in one respect — he escaped 
the trying existence of a dry goods cleik. 

Just imagine three or four hundred ladies 
coming in all at one time, asking different 

7 



8 TALKS 

questions and seeing who can give you the 
most work. For instance, one of them 
makes you pull down the top bolt on the 
top shelf. You tell her you have the same 
shade on the lower shelf. She says she 
"don't like lower-shelf shade." Then you 
have to climb up and pull down that bolt 
of cloth for her. She looks at it, pinches 
it, holds it up to the light, asks you " will 
it wash?" "will it shrink?" "is it cut 
bias?" or "who is it cut by?" Says, "I 
don't think I'll take it — saw a remnant at 
Wanamaker's, twenty-four cents a yard — 
same stuff." All the time she's talking to 
you she's got her eye on another bolt on 
the top shelf You've got to get up after 
that. By that time she has found out you 
can climb. Then she says, " won't you 
please tell me where the ribbon counter is," 
and walks out of the store. 

But that isn't anything. I was paid to do 
that, and it was my business. But j ust fancy 
the questions they asked me, and I only seven- 



TALKS 9 

teen years old. A lady came into the store 
one day and said, " Young man, have you got 
any kids?" I bet I blushed — she meant gloves 
— kid gloves. An old lady came in one day 
and said she wanted some "Moreantique." I 
said, "How much have you had now?" and 
she said, "Had what?" I said, "How much 
have you had on tick ?" Laws! but she was 
mad. She took out her smelling bottle, 
pulled out the cork, and I was laid up with 
catarrh for three weeks. 

A lady came in one day and said, "Can 
I see your hose ?" I said, "Ma'am?" She 
said, "Could I see your stockings?" I said, 
"Now?" She said, ''Do you keep ladies' 
hose ?" I said, " Yes'm, when we can't sell 
'em we keep 'em." Then I asked her, 
"What color?" and she said, "Solid color." 
I asked her if she " lived in town ;" she 
said, "Why do you ask ?" I told her "solid 
colors prevail in the country," and sug- 
gested stripes. " They're more worn," I 
said — " worn more, \^ mean — don't mean 



IO TALKS 

they're worn-out more — but they're worn — 
more out — outside more." I got confused a 
little, but I sold her the hose, at all events. 
There was a woman came in the store 
one day as black as the ace of spades — 
a colored woman — and she wanted a pair 
of flesh-colored stockings. I showed her 
a black pair, and she pulled a stiletto out 
of her hair and was going to stab me. 
I said, " Madam, you asked for flesh-colored 
stockings ; this is the nearest match we 
have." But she wanted white people's flesh- 
colored stockings. I sold her a pair ; they 
must have been as becoming as a stick of 
licorice in a plate of ice-cream. 



A FEW REMARKS ON PANTS 



I was coming down the street just now, 
and upon my word I thought some lunatic 
asylum had broken loose ; everybody was 



TALKS II 

laughing at me, actually laughing because 
the pockets of my coat hang down so much 
lower than the rest of the garment. I 
don't see anything to laugh at in that. Be- 
sides, I couldn't stop and explain the reason 
to everybody. I couldn't stop and say, eggs, 
to every one, but that was it — eggs. Yes, I 
had some eggs, and I was carrying them^ 
and the eggs got bruised — broke, you know 
— and a bruised egg isn't what it's cracked 
up to be, and I took it to a cleaner's to have 
it cleaned, and everything shrunk but the 
pockets. I think I shall cut the pockets out, 
for they seem to grow longer every day. It 
would improve the appearance of the coat. 
Then, again, if they keep on growing longer, 
I may get enough out of them to make a 
pair of pants. 

By the way, speaking of pants, reminds 
me of a conversation I had with a young 
lady to whom I was paying my ad- 
dresses. I am averse to paying anything 
as a rule, but I , made an exception of 



12 TALKS 

this particular young lady, and so- 
well, that is neither here nor there. This 
young lady, like most other young ladies, 
had a dog — a pet dog — and it was nip and 
tuck between myself and the other d — I 
mean poodle, as to whose aforesaid ad- 
dresses the young lady fancied the most. 
It was a case of dog eat dog. 

I suppose you don't see what this has to do 
with pants, but I'm coming to it. Well, Fido 
(that was the doggie's dog-on name) was 
playing with me one day on the lawn. We 
would bark at each other, then I'd snap and 
show my teeth, all for the young lady's 
amusement. Occasionally to vary the mo- 
notony, I would throw a little rubber ball 
and Fido would run and fetch it. Finally 
Fido became exhausted, and I remarked to 
my inamorata, "See how the little dog 
pants." Do you know she took me up in 
a moment, and said, "Georgy, you must 
not say ' see how the little dog pants,' it's 
vulgar. You must say ' see how the little 
dog trowsers,' " 



TALKS 13 

A LESSON IN ETIQUETTE 



What a beautiful thing is etiquette! 
When I was a boy that was the first thing 
my mother taught me. That's the reason 
I am so refined. Why, refinement was all 
we knew at home. In fact, we kept what 
you might call a refinery. You could find 
etiquette all about the house. It's about 
all you could find ; but we lived up to its 
rules. 

Mother was a strict etiquetarian ; but 
there are different kinds of etiquette ; for 
instance, there is table et- and street et- 
and conversational et-, and et-cetera. Ohi 
indeed, we made a constant study of Ches- 
terfield — he used to board with us, he ex- 
changed lessons for board. Now, for ex- 
ample, take table etiquette; how simple 
to live up to it, and be a gentleman. 
"Chesty"— we always called him " Chesty," 
for short — always impressed upon us that 
w<s should never eat soup with a sponge ; 



14 TALKS 

and then, again, he says : In the best 
society — the bon-ton, if yon belong to the 
400 — it is not good etiqnette, when yon sit 
down to dinner, to take yonr shoes off. 

Bnt when we had asparagus, ah ! that's 
what used to tax our etiquette. We didn't 
have it very often, but you know how, 
etiquettly speaking, you have to dally with 
it. We used to take a towel — we had no 
napkins. Well, you take the towel, and 
you wipe your " spar," so-see — just a plain 
towel — no soap — just a plain, dry wipe, thus 
— so it can't slip, when you are prepared to 
seize it. Then you turn your back to the 
guests at the table, and they all close their 
eyes and look out the window. Then you 
clutch the " spar " between your index 
thumb and your convex finger, slide down 
in your chair to an angle of twenty-five de- 
grees, throw your head back, open your 
mouth, and let her slide. 

Then, again, we have conversational eti- 
quette — that was my strong point, but there 



TALKS 15 

are so many different views on this par- 
ticular branch ; for instance, there is the 
Boston and Chicago; see how they differ. 
I'll show you an example that came under 
my observation a short time ago. A Bos- 
ton young man and his Chicago lady love; 
he — the young Bostonese — breaking the 
silence one evening, said to his Chicagoeses : 
"Rosalie" (she, coming from Chicago, he 
called her Rosalie, the Prairie* flower) her 
name wasn't Prairie flower, it was Rosalie 
Foot — you know what a Chicago foot is — but 
I digress. He said, " Rosalie, I have been 
musing on Browning, immortal Browning ; 
his words are ever like a mystic throb, and 
Swinburne, too ; what a divine master of 
sensuous perspective. I hardly know which 
I poetically adore the most. Tell me, Ro- 
salie, which do you like the better ?" That's 
Boston. Then what do you think the Chi 
cago young lady replied? " Cheese it, Jim 
you're off your base " There's a contrast. 



16 TALKS 

WHEN I WAS A BAKER 



Among my various pursuits in life I 
know of no occupation that ever impressed 
me more forcibly than the bakery business. 
Yes, I was once upon a time a baker. There 
are many worse men than bakers ; history, 
that is, ancient history, tells us that the 
bakers are a rising generation. When I 
was in that line I used to board in a house 
with seven other bakers. We all slept 
in one bed, and when we wanted to turn 
over we all had to turn at once. I was the 
one that used to say " turn," and another 
fellow used to say "ready." As soon as 
they were all ready I'd say " turn," and 
the other fellow would say u ready" and 
over they'd go. 

One night there was a new boarder at 
the house, another baker, and he made eight; 
he was a stranger, and when they all got 
ready to turn, the other fellow said " ready," 
and I said " turn," but the new man didn't 



TALKS 17 

understand it, and lie got his arm broken. 

I was a moral young man when I was 
a baker. I used to go to church every 
Sunday, but there is one particular Sunday 
that is vividly impressed upon my mind. 
The preacher was telling us all about what 
was right and what was wrong, but un- 
fortunately I was half asleep. I don't ex- 
actly remember which half, but the preacher 
was very earnest, and he told us to prepare 
ourselves, and he shouted out " are you 
ready ? — are you ready?" — just then I woke 
up quick and said "turn." I was so 
ashamed of myself that I didn't go to church 
again for two years. 



THE STORY OF THE OLD ARM-CHAIR 



I want to tell you a little story about an 
old lady. To begin with, or, that is, to 
finish with, to begin my story and to finish 
the old lady, she died. Of course, am old 



18 TALKS 

•ady dies every day, but not this particular 
old lady to whom I refer. Well, as I was 
saying, this old lady was very rich, she was 
worth one hundred thousand dollars when 
she died, and you know it's as hard for a 
rich person to die as it is for a camel to go 
to Heaven. I think I've reversed that, but 
I want to give the camel a chance. 

Well, when the old lady died she was 
dead, and she didn't know her destination, 
but she sent for her summer clothes. You 
see, the papers said she died intestate, but 
she died in New York State. She had two 
boys, both sons, and she left one of the 
boys, the other one the money, and the 
other, other one, son, boy, got just a com- 
mon arm-chair. Of course, the other boy, 
son, why he laughed a sarcastic laugh at 
his brother, but he just took the chair, and 
he got married. After he got married his 
wife took the chair. 

And all this time the other son was hav- 
ing a high old time with his hundred thou- 



TALKS 19 

sand dollars, buying lottery tickets and pea- 
nuts, and all sorts of luxuries. 

Business was awful bad with the other 
boy that had the arm-chair. You see, he 
was a musician ; he used to play the banjo 
at funerals ; he would get a dollar and a 
quarter a funeral, but the people round 
about where he lived were so healthy they 
wouldn't die, so he set up in a new busi- 
ness. He was a fretter. I guess you don't 
know what that is, so I'll explain it. You 
see, if anybody in town was worried or 
owed any money or had to meet a note and 
couldn't do it, why they used to hire him to 
fret for them, and they could go home and 
sleep or go about their business. It was a 
great relief to their minds, but there was so 
much opposition he had to give it up. So 
one day he came home loaded with grief 
and something stronger, and he threw him- 
self in the old arm-chair just as hard* as he 
could throw his two hundred and fifty 
pounds — you see he weighed quite some— 



20 TALKS 

and the concussion of all those pounds com- 
ing down so unexpectedly on the venerable 
old chair caused a demolition. The old 
chair went into splinters, and, lo! and be- 
hold, hid in its own concealment, in the 
bottom of the chair was two hundred thou- 
sand dollars ; and he went to his brother^ 
the other son, who wouldn't give him any- 
thing, and gave him the same, and said, 
" Wouldn't you like to have the old arm- 
chair ?" 

Then he went to Congress, and nobody 
has ever heard of him since. 



MY SON JOHN 



Talk about boys ! I've got one, and for 
downright stupidity he certainly is beyond 
anything I ever saw in all my life. The 
word stupid is not .strong enough, it does 
not half express it. He does some of the 
most outlandish things I ever heard tell of. 



TALKS 21 

Now, for an example. My wife sent him 
to the butcher's one day last week to see if 
he had pig's feet. He came back and told 
his mother he couldn't tell, the butcher had 
his shoes on. Stupid and lazy ! Well, the 
fact is he was born tired. Why when we 
want to get him up early in the morning 
we have to wake him up two hours before 
he goes to bed. 

He goes to Sunday-school, and what do 
you think he said last Sunday ? You see, 
the teacher always asks the same questions 
every Sunday. She says to the first boy, 
" Who made you ?" Then the little boy re- 
plies, " The Ivord made me." Then she 
asks the next boy — that's my boy, he's No. 
2 — " Who was the first man ?" And he says, 
''Adam," and so on down to the foot of the 
class. Well, last Sunday the first boy was 
absent, so that made my boy first, and the 
teacher began with " Who made you ?" My 
boy said, "Adam." Then the teacher cor- 
rected him and said, " No, no, the Lord 



22 TALKS 

made you." Then my boy said, " No, sir ; 
the little boy the L,ord made didn't come to- 
day." 

Oh ! he's a great boy, and to add to his 
other accomplishments, he's the biggest 
coward of his size I ever saw. He is fright- 
ened to death at thunder and lightning. 
Last night he was up-stairs in his bed, his 
mother was in the parlor, and it was rain- 
ing very hard, with an occasional burst of 
thunder. Suddenly his mother heard him 
cry and scream at the top of his voice. She 
ran up-stairs, frightened to death. She 
thought he had a fit, or something. He was 
sitting straight up in bed and screaming 
that he was afraid of the lightning. His 
mother said, " Don't be afraid, Johnny, re- 
member the Lord is with you ; nothing can 
hurt you." " Is He here now, in this room?'* 
he asked. " Yes," his mother said, " He's 
always with you." She went down-stairs 
after reassuring him, but she had hardly 
reached the foot of the stairs when there 



TALKS 23 

was a terrible clap of thunder that shook 
the whole house, and Johnny shouted, " Say, 
mother, you come up-stairs and stay with 
the Lord, and I'll go down in the parlor." 



PATENTS APPLIED FOR 

I have a friend ; that is, he isn't a friend, 
but he lives next door to me. His wife 
borrows coal from my wife, and he's a pecu- 
liarly eccentric individual. He's always 
talking about inventions, and going to 
Washington to patent them. You see, when 
you get out anything new, and want to 
secure it, you have to go to Washington, 
and go up to the Patent Office, and ask for 
Mr. Patent, and tell him what you have got, 
and he says ten dollars, or ten hundred, it 
just depends upon what kind of humor he is 
in, and that protects you — till some othei 
fellow gets out an invention just like it, 
and don't go to Washington. Then you 



24 TALKS 

both engage lawyers, and when yon get 
through, the lawyers own both the inven- 
tions, and have mortgages on your life-in- 
surance policies, and all the other little 
delicacies. 

My neighbor, the one I was speaking of, 
has talked inventions to me till I must con- 
fess I have the patent fever myself, but not 
so bad as Blobsom — that's my neighbor's 
name — he is certainly in a fair way to go 
to an insane asylum on the subject — he 
would if it wasn't for the coal. He called to 
me over the fence last Wednesday. " Hello, 
old man," says he. "What's wrong, Blob?" 
says I — I call him Blob for short, short 
Blob. But his name isn't Blob for short — 
though he's usually in that condition 
Well, to continue, he said, " I've got a great 
invention." " What is it ?" said I. " I've 
got an invention for removing stains from 
coal — I mean clothing." Of course, being 
a little interested in inventions, I asked 
him the nature of the new discovery. He 



TALKS 25 

replied, " You take a pair of pants with a 
big spot on them, see ?" I told him I was 
not in the habit of taking spotted pants if 
they didn't belong to me. Then he lncidly 
explained — so that I comprehended his 
meaning — and said, " Yon take the pants, 
and hold them in your left hand thus, and 
in your right hand take a pair of scissors, 
and yon cut the spot out." " But," said I, 
" yon rnin the pants." " I know," said he, 
" bnt I get the spot out." 

Then he told me about an invention for 
removing the odor of paint from a house. 
What do you think it was ? To " fry 
onions." I asked him how he was going to 
get rid of the smell of the onions, and he 
said, " Put on a fresh coat of paint." Oh ! 
he is a wonderfully inventive genius. 

But I am going to apply for a patent on one 
of my own inventions in a few days. It will 
be a great benefit to the laboring classes — a 
blessing to the poor working-man, who 
comes home from a hard day's labor, and 



26 TALKS 

has to climb up five stories. His wages 
won't permit him to live any higher, and 
the stony-hearted landlord makes him keep 
his coal way down in the cellar. I think it 
is simply barbarism — home the poor fellow 
comes, tired out, eats his supper, goes to 
bed, gets up at six, and has to carry the 
coal up those five flights of stairs to build 
the fire. Now, he can obviate that, he can 
do as I do — send his wife down. 

But that isn't the patent, that one's a little 
convenient invention of my own. I'll take 
you into my confidence, and tell you what my 
patent is. It's a rat-trap, for trapping raps 
— I mean for rapping traps — I should say 
for trapping rats. It's very simple. It's a 
round, oblong, square sort of an oblique, 
triangular object. Well, you get a piece of 
cheese, about as large as an ordinary piece 
of cheese, and you put it in the trap, attach- 
ing it to the automatic valve, on the left of 
the perpendicular observatory, and then you 
get a rat. If you haven't got one, you borrow 



TALKS 27 

one from the neighbors. If you can't bor- 
row one, you find a convenient rat-hole. 
Then you place the trap in front of the hole, 
and you take a newspaper. Then you sit 
down on the floor close to the cheese — I 
should say trap — and hold the paper in 
front of you, and stay there till the rat 
comes out. Then he goes in the trap and 
eats the cheese, and finally, if you keep 
perfectly quiet, he will devour so much of 
the cheese, will get so overcome, through 
his gluttony, that he can't move. Then 
you remove the newspaper, and make faces 
at him till he dies. 



SALT-WATER ADVENTURES 



I am very fond of the briny deep. I al- 
ways had a desire to lead a seafaring life, 
and yacht-racing was always a weakness of 
mine. There was a big yacht-race arranged 
last summer, and all the crack crafts from 



28 TALKS 

every part of the navigable country were to 
take part. " Thousands of vessels will go 
down there loaded with people," I said to 
myself; " and there won't be pilots enough 
there for all of them." So I concluded to 
go down and get a position as pilot and 
make a little money. Perhaps you don't 
know what a pilot is, so I will explain. A 
pilot is a man who steers vessels across the 
bar. Of course, you know that a bar is a 
place where water is scarce and danger is 
near. Now, when I got down there I com- 
menced steering too many schooners across 
the bar and I had to come back. When I 
was tacking, I struck another bar and came 
near swamping. But I could live on the 
water — with an occasional accompaniment. 
My brother Bill and I went to sea once. It 
wasn't our fault, but we were both so incor- 
rigible that mother concluded to put us out 
of harm's way, but before she sent us on 
board ship she concluded to give us another 
trial. She was very fond of us, though, but 



TALKS 29 

she was afraid of us. She heard there was 
going to be an earthquake down our way- 
she didn't care any more for earthquakes 
than she did for father, so she wrote a note 
to my Aunt Cyntha down the country and 
told her to look out for Bill and me. She 
said she was going to send us down to stay 
a couple of weeks till the earthquake was 
over. We only staj^ed down there about 
ten hours, when Aunt Cyntha sent us back 
to mother and sent word to send down the 
earthquake. That settled it. The very 
next day we were shipped before the mast — 
that is, we went the same time the mast did. 
Bill didn't like it a bit. I'll never forget 
one night on board. You see, there was a 
cannon on board. I said to Bill, " Let's fire 
it off." He said, " The captain might hear 
us." " I guess not," said I ; " we can fix 
that." So I told Bill to take a bucket that 
was on deck and hold it over the mouth of 
the cannon to deaden the sound; so he held 
it over the muzzle and held on to the rail. 



3° TALKS 

The cannon went off, and Bill went with it. 
The captain came on deck, looked around, 
and asked for Bill. I told him he had gone 
to fetch a bucket of water. Then he asked 
me when he would be back, and I said if he 
came as quick as he went he was due now. 

Mother never knew what became of Bill 
after that, neither did L 

HARD LUCK 



I think I am the most unfortunate man 
in the world. Of late everything I under- 
take seems to go the wrong way. Last night, 
however, I thought I was going to have my 
luck changed. A man came up to me and 
said, " George, I'll give you a dollar and a 
half to go out to Manayunk and back for 
me if you will do it in twenty minutes. " 

I knew I couldn't do it, but I needed the 
money, so I looked all around for a hack. 
They wanted two dollars, a dollar and 
seventy-five cents, and a dollar and a 



TALKS 31 

quarter. I couldn't get any one to go for a 
dollar and a half. Finally I ran across one 
of these old night-hawks. You've seen 
them; they tie their hacks together with 
strings. They usually have a rope and 
pulley for harness to keep the poor old horse 
on his feet. 

Well, I got inside, and the "Jehu" 
slammed the door. I couldn't get out if I 
wanted to. No doubt you've seen the kind 
of hacks I refer to. I told him to drive 
fast, and he went along at a six-forty gait, 
and when I shouted faster, he started the 
old nag up, and how it did shake that poor 
dilapidated rig ! Then I screamed aloud, 
" Not so fast," but he thought I said faster, 
and on he went. Presently we got down to 
the crossing and the bottom fell out of the 
hack, and I had to run all the way inside of 
it out to Manayunk. 

But it was just my luck. Why, if it was 
raining soup I'd be caught with a fork in my 
pocket. Speaking, of soup reminds me. I 



32 'TALKS 

was so hungry the other day that I could 
hardly close ray teeth, but ray natural pride 
forbid my making known my condition. I 
could have eaten anything. Finally I 
passed by a beautiful residence, with a nice 
lawn in front. You can hardly believe it, 
but I was in such a state, I opened the 
gate, went right in on that lawn, and the 
grass looked so green and tempting I began 
to eat it. Just then a very beautiful young 
lady looked out of the upper window at me 
with a most pitiful expression, and said, 
"Are you hungry, young man?" I said, 
" Yes, Miss, I am starving." I could not 
keep the secret any longer, so she said, 
" Wait a minute,'' and then went away. I 
saw visions of boned turkey and terrapin 
in the distance, but presently she returned 
and said, " Young man, pa says you can go 
in the back yard, the grass is longer there.'' 



TALKS 33 

HANNAH BEASLEY 



I hope nobody saw me as I came around 
the corner just now. I happened, by the 
purest accident, to meet Miss Beasley — Han- 
nah — and she walked all the way up to the 
corner, and she talks, laws ! you can hear 
her half a mile. She takes up more room 
with her voice than any one I ever saw — her 
voice does travel ! But she is a nice girl, 
and she's a little bit gone on me I think, 
but I can't help that. If I don't recipro- 
cate, it isn't anybody's fault. 

She has a nice gait though, but her nose! 
Well, you talk about noses. She wore it off 
looking through window-panes at parades. 
She isn't very pretty, in fact, she never dares 
go out on Sunday with her face, she'd break 
the Sabbath with it; but she can't help that. 
It was a birthday present. And then bet 
feet ! Well, they're of such dimensions that 
she has to wear her brother's shoes. I never 
saw such feet, and they aren't mates, either- 



34 TALKS 

But I don't like to talk about her, poor girl ; 
she isn't well — far from it — she is quite ill. 
Her brother says she has one foot in the 
grave already. There is one consolation 
for the family, she'll never get the other one 
in, not in the same grave, at all events. I 
didn't think she would speak to me to-da}^ — 
in fact, I heard she was around looking for 
me with a Wade & Butcher, but I ex- 
plained the matter and my mind is easier. 

It was such a foolish thing to get mad 
about — just about a dog — a common yaller 
dog. I promised her the dog and he died, 
so I wrote her a letter, and I just said in it, 
" Dearest Hannah, I write to let you know 
the dog I promised you is dead, and I hope 
these few lines will find you the same." 
Now what trifles some women will get mad 
about ! She's not bright, and sometimes 
says very peculiar things. What do you 
think! I was passing a grocery store with 
her just before I came here, and there was 
a basket of cocoanuts out in front, and she 



TALKS 35 

hollered right out, "O George! just look 
at those potatoes with whiskers.'' 

The first time I met Hannah was down 
at Atlantic City, two years ago, come sum- 
mer before last summer. She was bathing 
— she weighs about 350 pounds, and if you 
could only see her float ! She had her feet 
with her, too, and she dives with such agil- 
ity for a fleshy lady — head first — she has to^ 
if she went feet first she'd never come up 
again. This particular day when I saw 
her she was floating along, on the top of 
the water, her feet up above the tide, and a 
thousand people stood on shore waving their 
handkerchiefs. 

They all thought it was a boat race. 



A QUIET SUMMER RESORT 



Last summer I made up my mind to have 
a quiet, old-fashioned, peaceful time. I had 
tried Saratoga, Long Branch, the Catskills, 



36 TALKS 

Atlantic City, and in fact all the fashionable 
resorts, but I longed for a real old, go-to- 
bed-at-nine-and-get-up-at-five resort. So I 
determined to find some spot away from the 
railroads, some sequestered farm-house that 
could accommodate me during the heated 
term. At last, after reading the advertise- 
ments in a morning paper, I struck one that 
seemed to suit my fancy, and I opened ne- 
gotiations at once. 

At the end of a week I was ensconced on 
old Job Robinson's farm in upper New Jer- 
sey. Oh, it was such a change ! — try it ; 
you have no idea what an appetite it gives 
one. Just think of it ! You get up in the 
morning at five o'clock, take a walk out in 
the back lot, about a quarter of a mile from 
the house, and pump water in an antiquated 
tin wash-pan, and with a piece of brown 
soap that's left from Monday's wash you 
proceed to take your morning's ablution. 
Then you dry your face and hands with the 
grass, sit down on a hard bench and look at 



TALKS 37 

the cows for about an hour, until breakfast 
is ready. Such a delightful breakfast ! 
Ham ! But the breakfast is not to be com- 
pared with dinner, for then you have — 
ham. Then you go out in the sunny 
fields and watch them plough, and for nov- 
elty's sake you take a turn at it yourself. 
Oh! it is such amusement to yell "jee,whoa" 
and " gee up " for about five hours ; it ex- 
pands the lungs, and it gives one such an 
appetite for supper. That is the great meal 
of the day — and consists of — ham ! After 
the third ham — I should say meal — you all 
sit down in the parlor and sing hymns till 
bed-time, and then finally retire to a nice 
airy room. 

I could hear the rain patter on the roof, 
and whatever skipped the roof pattered all 
over the bed. I got up one rainy night to 
look for a life preserver, and my foot went 
down through a stove-pipe hole. After I 
extricated myself I stepped on a lot of 
chestnut burs, and to add to my rural bliss. 



38 TALKS 

when I went to jump back in bed I ran a 
scythe in my eye. My bed was evidently 
framed on a new patent. I think they 
called it a toboggan couch. I kept sliding 
down all night. I woke up one morning 
with both feet in a milk-can. 

I shall never forget one morning about 
daybreak, after going through one of my 
usual evenings of broken repose, I espied 
on one of the rafters a bottle with an old 
familiar label, bearing the appearance of 
age, and though the cobwebs had settled 
on it I could, from the point of view I oc- 
cupied, just distinguish those two gladden- 
ing 'words, " Old Crow." I said to myself, 
" How thoughtful of the dear old farmer" 
— and as I proceeded to revel in its con- 
tents, I forgave them for the ham and 
chestnut burs. I forgot the scythe and 
stove-pipe hole, and with one gulp I swal- 
lowed half the contents of the bottle before 
I discovered what it was. Horrible to re- 
late — it was goose grease ! 



TALKS 39 

WHAT I SAW IN WASHINGTON 



I have just returned from Washington, 
D. C. I dare say you can tell that by the 
look of anguish on my countenance. 
Henceforth forever and hereafter I forswear 
politics. What is the use of a man sitting 
up all night helping a candidate to spend 
his money, if, after the aforesaid candidate 
is elected, he forgets how, when he has 
shouted, " Set 'em up," you have responded 
to his patriotic appeal. 

Politics are a thing of the past with me, 
and Washington — well, I have up my mind 
to forget that such a place exists. I couldn't 
find my friend ; he was on the Committee 
of Ways and Means. He always had a 
mean way about him, anyhow. I went up 
to the Capitol and asked an old gentleman 
there if he knew my friend, and he said he 
thought he belonged in the House. I said I 
thought so too 5 at least at bed-time, but he 



40 TALKS 

never was there. He said, "Where?" I 
said, " In his house." The old gent 
laughed and quit me. Then I inquired of 
another party, and he said he was on the 
Investigating Committee. I ventured to 
ask him in what scheme they were going 
to invest, and he said, " A scheme to make 
chickens lay boiled eggs." I asked, " How ?" 
And he said, " By pouring hot water down 
their throats." 

Talk about there being no more cranks 
in Washington ! Why, there are more 
cranks to the square inch than you will find 
on all the base-ball grounds in the Players' 
League. I was bound not to leave there 
until I got some satisfaction. So I went up 
to the White House and saw " Bennie." I 
didn't call him by his first name then. I 
simply rang the bell and told the man that 
came to the door that I had come a long 
way and wanted to see Mr. President Har- 
rison. And he said, " Your name?" And 
almost as soon as I told him, I was shown 



TALKS 41 

Into the Blue Room. By the way, that is a 
very appropriate name for a reception-room 
for office-seekers. I said, " Mr. President, 
do you recognize me?" And he replied, 
" Oh ! yes ; I recognize you, but I can't place 
you." He said t should have the first 
vacancy, so I wandered around for a day or 
two and became very disconsolate. Sud- 
denly, one morning, while walking along 
the banks of the Potomac, I saw the body 
of a man floating in the river. I recognized 
it as one of the watchmen of the Treasury 
building. I rushed up to the President at 
once and told him about the vacancy. 
What do you think he said? " Too late — 
I've just appointed the man that saw him 

fall in." 

♦ 

THE HEBREW CHILDREN 



Some of the best friends I have are He- 
brews, and when you find them as such 
they are staunch ones, and besides a He- 



42 TALKS 

brew can appreciate a joke — even at his 
own expense — as long as it is within the 
limits of reason. There are quite a number 
of them where I board. Isidore Yesky is 
staying there now. He don't belong in 
town ; he's a merchant up on the Hudson. 
They tell a story of Isidore something like 
this : He had bought a great many bills 
of goods from Cohen, Cohen & Cohen, and 
that firm, feeling magnanimous, concluded 
to remember him. So they sent the drum- 
mer, Moritz Plovosky, who had made the 
sales to Yesky, and gave him a necktie to 
present to Isidore. Now, Isidore naturally 
became angry at so trifling a present, 
whereupon the drummer returned and told 
the senior partner that Isidore wouldn't take 
the necktie. So the senior partner said: 
" Did he buy much goods, lately ?" (meaning 
Isidore). " Yes," said the drummer, "he 
bought a thousand-dollar order last week." 
u Did he pay cash ?" asked the elder Cohen. 
"Five hundred dollars cash, and he gave 



TALKS 43 

us his note for five hundred dollars," said 
the drummer. " Well, then, give him the 
note." So Mr. Drummer came back to 
Isidore and remarked : " The firm have re- 
considered about the necktie, and they have 
concluded to give you, for a present, your 
note." Then Isidore asked : " Did the 
firm endorse my note?" " No," was the 
reply. " Then give me the necktie," said 
Isidore. 

There's another Hebrew gentleman and 
his family boarding up at our house — Mr. 
Rosenthal, and he has a very bright little 
boy, Jakey, who is only seven years old. 
Jewish children I find to be, as a class, par- 
ticularly sharp. They seem to have a 
natural instinct for shrewdness. Last week 
there was a new arrival in the Rosenthal 
family — a darling little baby boy, and Mr. 
Rosenthal called little seven-year-old Jakey 
in to see the little stranger. He said, 
" Jakey, come up-stairs ; I want to show you 
the little baby brother I bought you for a 



44 TALKS 

present." Jakey obeyed the summons^ 
looked the baby over, and after a close in- 
spection discovered a birth-mark behind his 
left ear. Then taking his paternal aside, he 
whispered to him, " Fader, take him back 
again, he's damaged." 



A FOWL PROCEEDING 



If there is one thing more than another 
I am fond of it is chickens. I have a per- 
fect mania for raising fowls of every de- 
scription, except in base-ball ; those are not 
the fowls I allnde to. I mean fowl chick- 
ens. Chickens that are fowl — that is to say 
—well, chickens. I have made a study of 
them and I consider the chicken a wonder- 
ful bird. Just see how much sense — good, 
common, sound sense — a chicken possesses, 
how knowing, and withal, how patient and 
how absorbed they are in attending to tLeir 
own business. I really believe they are in- 
tellectually our equals. 



TALKS 45 

A friend of mine went down to the mar- 
ket to buy some eggs. Now a chicken don't 
have to buy eggs. Well, he bought a dozen 
and took them home and gave them to the 
cook for the morning's breakfast ; the cook, 
who went out to see her beau, came to look 
for the eggs in the morning and found that 
she had mislaid them. Now that is some- 
thing a hen never does. And as for pa- 
tience — see how patient a hen is. Why r 
she will sit on a couple dozen of eggs fot 
hours at a time. If a man had to sit on 
one for five minutes he would kick. I've 
been in the commission business and know 
whereof I speak. 

I used to handle eggs. They are very 
nice to handle, but to have them handed to 
you is not so agreeable — that is, handed at 
a long distance — particularly if the egg is 
premature — to come from a long distance it 
takes a long time, and age will creep o'er 
the spirit of that egg ere it reaches you, 
and when it becomes aged, when it has 



46 TALKS 

passed its prime into the "seer and yellow,* 
to which Shakespeare so beautifully refers 
— when it becomes a bald-headed egg and 
wears spectacles, it should then be sent to a 
home for indigent eggs, that it might not 
waste its sweetness on the desert air. 



MY WIFE 



If I had taken the advice of my sister 
Clarissa and profited by her experience, I 
never would have entered the connubial 
bonds of blissful married life. Poor Cla- 
rissa, she married a man by the name of 
Dust — Clarence Dust. After she had been 
married about a week they commenced to 
fight, and one morning about one o'clock 
she rang the bell. The old man — pa — poked 
his head out of the window and said, 
"Who's there?" She said, " It's me, pa- 
Clarissa — Clarissa Dust. I can't live with 
that man any longer. I want you to take 



TALKS 47 

me back/' But pa wouldn't do it, lie just 
looked at her and said, "Dust thou art, and 
to Dust thou shalt return." 

So Clarissa's living with me and my wife 
now, and it does her heart good to see us 
fight — that is, my wife, she does all the 
fighting. Why it's got so bad, I had to 
call in a policeman one day and have her 
arrested. He took her before the judge, and 
after hearing all the particulars the judge 
fined her ten dollars. But that wasn't the 
worst of it, I had to pay the fine. She 
got after me the other night because the 
baby was crying. She said, " Do quiet that 
baby, will you ?" Well, I didn't consider 
it my place, and I said, " Now, Letitia, you 
quiet the baby yourself." Whew ! you 
should have seen how mad she got. She 
called me a brute, and said it was " my 
place." And then she shouted out, loud 
enough to wake all the neighbors, " You 
know it's your place, you black brute, to 
quiet that baby ; it's as much yours as it is 



48 TALKS 

mine. It's half yours, aint it?" she 
screeched. I said, "All right, then quiet 
your half and let mine alone." That settled 
the matter right there and then, but she got 
even with me. 

One day a tramp came up to the house, 
and she called him in and gave him mv 
dinner. He was very hungry, too, so she 
considered she was doing him an act of 
charity, as well as punishing her poor 
hubby. Well, that tramp eat so much he 
could hardly breathe, and then in the good- 
ness of her heart she said, " Poor man, isn't 
there something else I can do for you ?" 
The tramp paused for a moment, then he 
thrust his hand in his pocket and pulled 
out a button, and said, " Yes, please sew a 
shirt on this for me." Then I laughed till 
I woke the baby up ? and I haven't been 
home since. 



TALKS 49 

MY BOARDING-HOUSES 



About three months ago I made up my 
mind to change my boarding-house and I 
haven't been settled since. I thought it 
would be a proper scheme to get a little 
distance out of town, so I secured a room 
in a boarding-house just the other side of 
the cemetery. I wanted to get a home be- 
yond the grave. The house was kept by 
Mrs. Tough, and oh! dear, but it was a 
tough place — tough in every respect ; toug'i 
beds, tough beefsteaks, tough everything 
The landlady (Mrs. Tough) used to say, 
" Will you have an ^gg y or have you had 
one?" They didn't have any bell to ac- 
quaint you with the fact that the frugal 
repast was ready. So the cook used to 
wring a towel for dinner. They used to 
tell time by the beds — a slat would drop 
out every fifteen minutes. They occasion- 
ally had what they called spring chickens — - 
wagon springs ! And the coffee ! I know 



50 TALKS 

you won't believe me, but the coffee was so 
weak it bad to use crutches. I had to leave 
the place one day. There was a fight at 
the table, and that settled it. The butter, 
the cheese, the coffee, and molasses got into 
a scrimmage. The butter run, the cheese 
skipped out, the coffee settled on its own 
grounds, and the molasses got licked. 

I finally moved farther in town. But 
worse and worse ! There they actually had 
hash three times a day. I didn't mind that 
so much if they had not put raisins in it 
on Sundays and served it as mince-pie. We 
used to have chicken occasionally at that 
place, too, and there was one boarder sat 
opposite to me I had every reason to 
suspect was rather delinquent on Saturday 
nights in coming to the front with the usual 
five. It was a " five-straight " boarding- 
house, and the peculiar expression I would 
trace upon the landlady's face when she 
looked at him gave me an assurance that 
the necessary five was in arrears. I finally 



TALKS 51 

had the most positive proof of his financial 
standing, and without consulting Bradstreet, 
for I noticed when the aforesaid chicken was 
served he always got the neck, and as I 
have had the neck so often I can come 
pretty near telling what it signifies. 



THE HORSE BUSINESS 



Once I was quite a singer, but I lost my 
Vdice — caught a cold — and then I went in 
the ho(a)rse business. When I say I went 
in the business, I wasn't exactly interested, 
but I worked in a stable. I was the chamber- 
maid. I used to make beds for the horses. 
I always was fond of horses. I think the 
horse is the noblest animal that lives on 
four foot. I don't mean to insinuate that 
&e lives on four-foot measures or two-foot 
rules, and is obliged to exist on them as 
substance. I am alluding to his pedal ex- 
tremities merely as his means of suppoit 



52 TALKS 

and existence. 

I like a bay horse. Give me a nice dark 
brown mouse-colored bay horse, with just a 
tinge of chestnut, and I am happy if I can 
only go to his boudoir in the early morn 
and feed him sugar — just for a stall. When 
I was employed in the livery stable, I was 
quite a favorite with all the boarders. There 
was a black sorrel horse they called " Love," 
because he was blind. He was a nice horse* 
though, and could go it blind just as well as 
Liverpill, his mate. He was the fastest 
horse in the stable ; they called him Liver- 
pill because he was hard to down. We had 
several trotters there. One beauty, his 
name was Cabbage. He entered a race once 
at Monmouth ; there were six other starters. 
Let me see, there was Knockter Prott, Cast- 
away No. 2, Judge To-morrow, Come-to- 
pawn, Loose" Angelus, and Cabbage. It was 
a great race, but Cabbage won by a head. 
I was a very handy man around our stable. 
When the horses got foundered, I took them 



TALKS 53 

to the foundry. When they wanted new 
shoes, I took them to the shoe store — and 
saw that their corns were pared. When they 
had ringbones I took the rings off. Oh ! I 
was quite a man among them ; when they 
got too old to chew their hay, I used to 
chew it for them. 

I remember one time one of these vete- 
ran airy doctors came along with a new 
patent for giving horses medicine when 
they had the epizootic. It was a long 
tube in which the medicine was put. I 
used to take it, and when he opened the 
horse's mouth I would put the tube in it 
and blow the contents of the tube down the 
horse's throat. One day, what do you 
think ? I went to blow the medicine down 
the horse's throat, when the old fool coughed 
and I swallowed the dose. That settled it ; 
1 was laid up for six months with the blind 
staggers. 



54 TALKS 

THE STOCK-BROKER 



I'll never forget as long as I live my ex- 
perience on the board ; that is to say, my 
experience on one particular board. Of 
course, as a boy, I had many different ex- 
periences on as many different boards — see- 
saw boards, checker-boards, etc., and, as I 
bordered on manhood, there was a different 
board still — boarding-houses — and border 
dramas at the theatres, but this one board 
to which I refer is the board of trade. If 
a man wants to be bored, he should get on 
that board. 

You see I had made a failure of every- 
thing in life, so I made up my mind, that 
is, what is left of it, to commit suicide. I 
had about concluded to try strychnine when 
I thought of the river, but I never did fancy 
water. One day I confided my intentions 
to a bosom friend, and he said, if I had 
made up my mind to die, he could tell me 



TALKS 55 

the easiest plan. I said, "Tell me, I be- 
seech thee," and he said, " Go into stocks," 
and I said, " What kind of stocks ?" He 
answered that it was immaterial. "Just 
get in Wall Street," he said, " and they'll 
bury you before you know you have passed 
from this mundane sphere." I only had 
eight dollars, and to a man with one-third, 
and a third of a quarter of a twenty-five 
dollar bill, the horoscopic vision of Wall 
Street was not luminous. 

However, my friend was a stock-broker. 
So he took me down one day. When I say 
he was a stock-broker, I mean he was posted 
on the activity of the market. He drove a 
butcher-wagon. 

Well, to make a short story long, we went 
down there one day, and he introduced me 
to what he was pleased to call the bulls and 
bears — two-legged bears and bulls without 
horns ; that is, visible horns. I said to my 
friend, " Charlie, is that a bull ?" " Yes/ 
said Charlie. Then, says Ij " Where are his 



56 TALKS 

horns ?" And Charlie says, " He is not that 
kind of a bull." I thought he might be a 
pretty good fellow to know, and if he was a 
bull, he might give me a steer. Just then 
Corneil came up — Corneil Vanderbilt — 
he sort of half nodded, and I finished it for 
him, and he says to me — he says— " How's 
wheat ?" I said to him, " Don't know much 
about wheat. I'm better posted on rye." 
Then he says, " Are you going to buy B. & 
O?" And I says, " What's B. & O ?"— 
just like that, and Corneil says, " Baltimore 
and Ohio. Are you going to buy ?" Now, 
the idea of my buying Baltimore, let alone 
Ohio, with only eight dollars in my pocket ! 
Then an old gentleman came up— I 
think they called him Cy — Cy Field, yes, 
that's it — and he said something about 
" puts " and " calls," and I says to Charlie, 
11 What's ' puts ' and ' calls ' ?" and Charlie 
says, "Why, don't you see, that means it's 
a Jack Pot ; you put in two dollars, and the 
other fellow calls, you've got Jacks, and the 



TALKS 57 

other fellow stood pat with a full." I met 
a friend of mine on the floor, Fitz — I don't 
think you know hiin — I asked him what 
he was doing. He said he bought lead. 
I asked him if he cleared anything, and he 
said yes — his bank account. 

Oh! it's a great place. They all talk 
at once. I could hardly get in a word 
side-edge, edge-side, ways-edge, side-wed- 
ges — I mfeau sideways. Charlie says to me, 
" Now's your time to take a flyer on North 
Western preferred." " In what way ?" says 
I. " Why, buy short, and sell long." I 
told him I couldn't buy very long on eight 
dollars. Talk about suicide — a man forgets 
all about it when he gets there. It's not 
suicide — it's another kind of side. Every- 
body is trying to cut everybody else's 
throat — metaphorically speaking. It's homi- 
cide, and I left those brokers, bulls, bears, 
three per cents., longs, shorts, and all, satis- 
fied that life was worth living as long as a 
man kept out of Wall Street, and didn't 



58 - TALKS 

have his life insured with his mother-in-law 
holding the policy. 



SUPERSTITION 



Did it ever strike you how utterly insane 
it is to be superstitious ? Some people carry 
it to an extreme about the most trivial oc- 
currences. Now, for instance, there are so 
many people in this wide world of ours who 
believe in what they term the unlucky thir- 
teen. When our great and glorious coun- 
try first became a republic, when Georgie 
Washington and Tommy Jefferson and the 
rest of the boys made us a present of these 
United States, how many were there ? Thir- 
teen. Thirteen States, including New Jer- 
sey. And where can prosperity be better 
illustrated than right here ? 

Then, again, who wouldn't rather have 
thirteen dollars than twelve ? I once knew 
a family of thirteen. There were ten chil- 



TALKS 59 

dren, and the wife and the wife's mother, 
and the husband, who was supposed to be 
the head of the house — it was only a sup- 
position, though, for his wife's mother 
usurped that prerogative. You never saw 
such a mother-in-law. She was cross-eyed 
and had whiskers. She used to travel with 
a circus and was the bearded lady. He said 
something to her one day at dinner about 
the wind blowing, and she threw a plate at 
him, but it struck one of the children, and 
about two years afterwards the child died with 
the measles, and everybody said, " There 
it goes. Thirteen in the family — how un- 
lucky !" But the old woman did not live 
long after that. She got shaved one day 
and caught the pneumonia. Nobody said 
anything about that being unlucky. Her 
name was Storey — Eliza Teller Storey was 
her name in full — and over her remains 
there was an inscription which read, 

" Here lies Eliza Teller Storey 
She's taken her last bier. 



60 TALKS 

She has been called away to glory 
But she left her whiskers here. " 

There are people who are superstitious con- 
cerning Friday. Now what would Robinson 
Crusoe have done without Friday ? Some 
people object to traveling on Friday. I 
called on a young lady of my acquaintance 
last Friday and her father set the bull-dog 
on me. I didn't object to traveling! To 
tell the truth, about that time I didn't stop 
to consider whether it was Friday or next 
Tuesday come Wednesday — I traveled ! 

Then, again, they say it is unlucky to go 
to bed with your shoes on. I took a friend of 
mine home the other evening and he went 
to bed, shoes and all. But it was something 
stronger than superstition that superinduced 
his superabundance of superlative supercil- 
iousness. 

I've heard it whispered that if you wish 
before eating any new fresh product of the 
market, at its first appearance, your wish will 



TALKS 6l 

come true. We never get fresh products 
where I board, they are all canned, so I 
can't vouch for that, although one day I saw 
an old colored woman selling hot corn on 
the street, and I said to myself, " Here is a 
chance to test the wish." So I bought an ear 
of corn, and ere I proceeded to demolish it I 
wished— I wished my landlady would have 
strawberry short-cake for dinner. She had 
prunes ! 

Then there's that superstition about the 
four-leaf clover, that if you find a four-leaf 
clover it will bring you luck. I looked for 
one for two months and at last my dili- 
gent search was rewarded. Last Thursday 
was a beautiful moonlight evening. Our 
house faces its back to the garden of our 
neighbors, and that garden is full of clovers. 
So about twelve o'clock on my way home, I 
jumped over the fence and crawled around 
in that grass till the knees of my trousers 
looked like the map of Ireland. Finally, 
my fondest hopes were realized, and just as 



62 TALKS 

I grabbed that clover a policeman leaped 
over the fence and grabbed me. The next 
day the Judge fined me ten dollars and costs 
for trespassing. He wouldn't swallow the 
clover story. 

So I've come to the conclusion it's better 
to be born rich than superstitious. 



THE CENSUS ENUMERATOR 



I got a position to take the census this 
summer, and I nearly lost mine before I got 
through. There were three men appointed 
in my district. One of them was thrown 
out of a three-story window, and resigned 
for cause. The other fellow was more re- 
signed ; he had a wash-boiler full of hot 
water thrown at him. Bnt, as I had been 
a base-ball umpire, I went at it without 
fear. My ! the questions we had to ask was 
enough to disturb the equanimity of the 
most peacefully inclined housekeeper in the 



TALKS 63 

world. Just think of going up to anybody's 
door, and asking them if they are married, 
if so, how many times, and what color they 
are, and when did you take a bath, was the 
water hot or cold, and such questions. The 
first call that I made in an official capacity 
the lady of the house came to the door. I 
asked her how many people lived in the 
house. She took me for a tramp, and set 
the bull-dog on me. The next piace I went 
to, when I asked the lady if she was married, 
I didn't know that she had only been a 
widow two days, and she caught me by the 
neck and asked me who was circulating 
those horrid stories about her. Oh, I had 
a delightful experience ! 

Then I made a call at the house next to 
the widow's, and an elderly lady came to the 
door, and I said to her, " Pardon my seeming 
rudeness, but I am compelled to ask a ques- 
tion which may seem abrupt." Then she 
asked me in to sit down ; she was the 
most rational customer I yet had to deal 



64 TALKS 

with. She asked me if I'd have some cake 
Well, I didn't know what to make of her 
hospitality, bnt I made up my mind to be 
just as polite as she was. Finally she said, 
when we had drifted entirely away from 
business, " Do you know I have been burn- 
ing with curiosity — natural with my sex, 
isn't it ?" Then she commenced to tee-hee 
and giggle. She had seen about fifty 
summers, and as many winters, and she 
began to simper like a fifteen-year-old girl. 
I said, " Can I allay your curiosity?" I had 
almost forgotten what I had come for. I 
think the cake had gone to my head. Then 
she said, "What is the question you wish 
to ask ?" Then I got down to business 
again, and I said, " I beg your pardon, but 
are you married?" What do you think? 
She threw herself in my arms, and said, 
" Oh ! this is so sudden, but I cannot refuse ; 
I am yours!" She was an old maid, just 
think of it ! I took up my hat and flew. 
She sued me for breach of promise, and I 



TALKS 65 

made up my mind that if the government 
wanted me as a census-taker again it would 
have to supply me with a Gatling gun, or 
else give me a route that only took in the 
cemetery. 



66 TALKS 

POETIC EFFUSIONS 



THE MINSTREL'S SEVEN AGES 



Shakespeare tells us seven years constitute 
of life a span ; 

There are seven ages also in the life of min- 
strel man. 

First, the boy who fills the buckets for a 
pass to see the "show," 

Ragged urchin, shoeless, liatless, in our 
way where ere we go. 

Next we find him selling song-books, yell- 
ing out his lungs with force, 

Tries to drown the singers' voices, till they 
all are laid up hoarse. 

Next the " props " he wields in earnest, 
learns the cornet for to play, 

Then he gets his maiden salary — if there is 
a salary day. 

Dexterous bills for " props " he'll fix, that 
fill up a score of pages ; 



TALKS 6} 

These are days lie tries managers' souls in 
the minstrel's seven ages. 

Next the song-and-dance he " tackles ;" al- 
ways calls his shoe his " vamp," 

Hat is " lid," and ear is "sail," foot is 
" wheel," and eye is u lamp;" 

Sports a rhinestone in his necktie, no mat- 
ter what the stage is — 

These are the days he makes his " bluffs," 
in the minstrel's seven ages. 

Then at last the "end" he tackles, first the 
inside then the out, 

Salary gradually increasing, and he knows 
what he's about, 

" Gag's " that he's originating (?) though 
they're older than the flood, 

Others use, and loud he " hollers " they are 
stealing his life's blood. 

Next, the prosperous manager is he, nightly 
turning crowds away, 

Drives fast horses, dines on courses, and at 
" faro "high he'll play; 

Dresses flashy, slightly " mashy," lives by 



68 TALKS 

easiest of stages, 
These are the happiest days of all in the 

minstrel's seven ages. 
Last of all, Time has outgrown him — he is 

far behind the age ; 
Boys hand round subscription papers for thi? 

" relic " of the stage. 
Now, that fortune's frowned upon him, by- 
gone friends have swiftly flown ; 
Empty pockets, sunken sockets, penniless, 

he's left alone. 
Still retains his "alum "cluster; moustache 

dyed, and trousers frayed ; 
Tells of how the business shattered, when 

they cut the street parade ; 
Sighs at some one's mild referring to the 

days of long ago, 
Longs for Unsworth's good old stump-speech 

or an " essence " with the show. 
Tottering goes he to his lodgings, broken* 

hearted at his fate, 
Cannot understand the public, why its taste 

should vitiate i 



TALKS 69 

Dreams of Bryant, Buckley, Christy, and 

the past's great sages — - 
These are the last, the bitterest days, in 

the minstrel's seven ages. 

POETIC INSPIRATION 



The little stars sang sweetly to the birds up 

in the sky, 
The bull-frog chirped his matin song where 

the drooping codfish sigh. 
The emerald moon its ruby lips was pouting 

'neath the willows, 
The ocean's waves were hushed to sleep, so 

bilious was its billow. 
The village church bells sang the praise of 

the potato bug serene, 
While the grasshopper shed bright pearly 

tears — he'd been eating Paris green. 
But up in the vine-clad desert, where the 

whip-o'-wills were ripe, 
A maiden fair, with azure hair, stood gath- 
ering moss-grown tripe. 



JO TALKS 

When from a burst of thunder cloud that 

parched the verdant air, 
An ancient crow, in accents wild, was part- 
ing his back hair. 
And still the mother wept tears of joy, 

though sad her life had grown, 
For, lo ! the wandering minstrel boy had 

pawned his diamond stone. 
And yet I would not ask you why, which 

one of those are these, 
The German air wafts perfume sweet, its 

odor, new-mown cheese. 
Now take this lesson to your heart, in those 

halcyon days afar; 
There's many a tramp has carved his name 

on a gilded cattle car. 



WILLIE AND HIS ESMERALDA 



Fair Willie and his Esmeralda 

Roamed the hills and dells together ; 
Balmy was +he breezy sky. 



TALKS 71 

And the air was filled with weather. 

Up from the sky in milky way 

The moon looked down with rapturous 
glances, 
The star of night shone as the day 

On Willie's Sunday summer pantses. 

Babe she called him — he called her bird 
Wingless bird without a feather ; 

Suddenly without a word 

The air was filled with balmy leather. 
(N. B.— That was her father.) 

The bull-frog chirped his note so clear 
The star of love shot like a rocket, 

And there was a sad, sad feeling 
Close to Willie's pistol pocket. 



72 TALKS 

AN ADHESIVE POEM 



My Maudie sat in her cushioned chair 

Chewing away on her gum, 
The crimps and curls were so tight in her 
hair 

That the pain was too awfully some. 

That evening she looked for her Gussie to 
come 
And loosened the bangs of her hair, 
Then from her sweet mouth she ejected the 
gum 
And tossed it aside on a chair. 

Augustus waxed warm and warm waxed the 
wax, 
And he drummed a te-doodle-de-dum. 
He was stuck on his Maudie, and, oh ! holy 
smoke, 
He was stuck on that horrible gum. 

And thus did he reason with mind all a 
rack, 



TALKS 73 

His thoughts were all mixed in a whirl, 
Was it better to carry that chair on his 
back 
Or leave his best pants with his girl ? 

But her father he settled the question for 
him 

As he twirled his long claws in his hair 
And hustled him out of the door with a vim, 

And Augustus went off with the chair. 



ONLY 



Only a little tomato-can, 
Only a piece of twine, 

Only a little doggy 

With a stumpy tail behind. 

Only a little urchin — 

So wan, and thin, and pale, 
Who ties the little tomato-can 

To the little doggy's tail. 



74 TALKS 

Only a fat policeman, 

Walking lazily on his beat, 

And the little doggy 

Makes a dive for " coppy's " feet. 

Only a little cuss word 

Was uttered by the " cop " 

As he came down on the pavement 
With an agonizing flop 

And now that little doggy, 
And the little boy also, 

Have gone to join the angels, 
Where the " coppies " never go. 

But what of the tomato-can, 
From doggy's tail remote ? 

It couldn't join the angels, 

For 'twas swallowed by the goat. 



TALKS 75 



YALLER" DOG'S LOVE FOR A NIG- 
GER 



Bar's a grave on de oder side ob de creek 
Dat knows no Decoration Day, 

For him as lef ? dar alone to sleep 
Is only a nigger dey say. 

He died an old vagunt, untirely unknown, 

And lef not a soul to be sad. 
Dey gave him his freedom, but took way 
his home, 

And an ole yaller dog was all dat he had. 

Dey dug a rude hole and dey laid him away, 

Dis poor old citizen slave. 
Not a prayer for his res' did any one say, 

And de ole yaller dog laid down on his 
grave. 

And still you may see him dar, day after 
day, 



76 TALKS { 

I 

At eve, at morn, or at noon, 
For dar's no inducements can call him away 
From his place 'side de grave of a coon. 

Dar's a mighty fine monument standin 1 
right nigh, 

But to me dis poor mound looks bigger, 
For dar's a monument money can't buy — 

A yaller dog's love for a nigger. 



TALKS 77 



PARODIES ON POPULAR 
SONGS 



DOWN ON THE FARM 

When a boy I used to be, like most other 
kids you see, 
I worked upon the farm for my old dad, 
But the pranks I used to play, on the old 
man night and day 
Bring back memories that still make my 
poor heart sad. 
How from my cot I'd steal, and in the dark- 
ness feel 
My way to strike the light, while all else 
slept. 
Then the chickens' legs I'd tie — pour some 
coal-oil on the pie, 
In my childhood's happy home down on 
the farm. 



78 TALKS 

Swe€i visions of raw hide, 
Tender memories of cow hide, 
Dearer than all to me. 
While they soundly slept in bed, I would 
paint the gray mare red, 
And I'd tie her to the dog-house in the 
yard, 
Then I'd take the old man's shoe, fill it up 
with Spalding ? s glue, 
And the kitchen stairs I'd grease with 
mother's lard. 
Then to poor old Towzer's tail, I'd tie the 
new milk-pail 
Just to keep the playful doggie out of 
harm, 
But as dad would early rise, on my pants 
he'd exercise 
With that Spalding's gluey shoe, down 
on the farm. 
Sweet recollections of cow hide, 
Oh ! visions of soreness, 
Dearer than all to me. 



TALKS 79 

IN THE GLOAMING 



tn the gloaming of the gleaming I was 

gloaming through the gleam 
To call on Mary Ann McGlone, and she's 

the glooming of my dream. 
But her papa's bull-dog Towser gloomed my 

trousers gleefully, 
It was best to leave you then, dear, best foi 

the trousers and best for me. 

In the gloaming, on my glooming, when 
'tis raining, snow, and hail, 

I will glimmer that dog Towzer, and glue a 
tin can to his tail. 

Then with dynamite, gun-powder, nitro- 
glycerine, and a large fuzee 

I will send him to the angels, where he 
came near sending me. 

It were best to keep this quiet — best for the 
dog, and best for me. 



80 TALKS 

THE MOSS-COVERED ONION 



(Air, " The Moss-Covered Bucket/') 

How dear to my heart is the loud-smelling 
onion 
Which restaurant keepers provide at each 
meal, 
The color of silver — the size of a bunion, 
With night-blooming corns wrapped up 
in each peal. 
It stings like a skeeter, it burns like an em- 
ber, 
And smells like a horse that is silent in 
death. 
And yet with affection and love we remem- 
ber 
The early spring onion that scented our 
breath. 
The loud-smelling onion, the sweet-per- 
fumed onion, 
The Lubin-like onion that clings to your 
breath. 



TALKS 8 1 

You drown it with beefsteak, you boil 01 
you bake it, 
But still it retains its smelodious charm. 
And after you've done all you can to forsake 

it, 

It clings to you fervently, fearing no harm. 
Though dangers overtake you and troubles 
awake you, 
At home or abroad, on land or at sea, 
The scent of that onion forever will make 
you 
Desert all your friends or they will shake 
thee. 
That moss-covered onion, that iron-bound 
onion, 
That old " gamey " onion that clings to 
you still. 



BANANA 



(Air, " Tit- Willow/ ■ from the Mikado.) 
On a brick by the curb-stone a little peal lay, 



82 TALKS 

Banana, banana, banana. 
Its yellow-tint surface seemed to quietly say, 

Banana, banana, banana. 
Now this tropical fruit, for its sweetness far- 
famed, 
In its unblushing ignorance seemed to ex- 
claim, 
For my slippery surface I am not to blame. 
Oh ! banana, banana, banana. 

A saffron-tint damsel on pleasure intent, 

Banana, banana, banana, 
Had occasion to pass, to a skating-rink bent, 

Banana, banana, banana. 
In an unguarded moment this damsel so 

faii- 
Sat down on the curb-stone, her shoes in the 

air. 
Now her new-fashioned bustle is not fit to 
wear, 
Oh ! saffron, banana, oh ! bustle. 



TALKS 83 

BLUE ALSACIAN MOUNTAINS 



In a row of tenement houses, 
Dwelt a maiden young and fair, 

Her papa wore the trousers, 

When her mamma was not there, 
When her mamma was not there. 

Maiden with the dimpled eyebrow 
And a voice so loud and clear. 

Maiden with the " yaller " bull-dog, 
That followed her everywhere. 

Chorus. — Each day, each day, each day, 
Some family would move away, 
For that row of tenement houses 
Never seemed to please or pay. 

To that row of tenement houses, 
Came a farmer in the spring, 

Just to talk of sheeps and cowses, 
And to hear the maiden sing — 
And to hear the maiden sing. 

He spoke about his barn-yard — 



84 TALKS 

Of his chickens and his hog, 
But she thought he was giving her taffy, 
So she called her " yaller " dog. 

Chorus. — Hooray, hooray, hooray ! 
The farmer he flew away, 
But left the bosom of his trousers 
For the dog to chew that day. 

THINK IT OVER 



(Air, "My Maryland.") 

Cross-eyed cats don't live on cheese 

Think it over I 

Chestnuts don't all grow on trees — 

Think it over ! 

Canary-birds' milk won't cure the croup, 

You can't shoot shad on an Arch Street 
stoop, 

Nor find oysters in a church-fair soup. 

Think it over ! 

If you take your girl out for a ride- 
Think it over I 



TALKS 85 

When she snugs up closely to your side — 

Think it over ! 

And tells you to love you how hard she has 
tried, 

But she's mashed on another fellow beside, 

Don't then and there commit suicide — 

Think it over ! 

Don't play seven-up with every strange 
cove — 

Think it over ! 
Before you sit on a red-hot stove — 

Cover it over ! 
If your mother-in-law is cross and blunt, 
And for peace and comfort you have to 

hunt, 
Take her down to the river-front — 

Throw her over ! 



HOME, SWEET HOME 



There's a song that's very popular that's 



86 TALKS 

sung in every clime, 
Its title is suggestive of its worth. 
It's a comfort to the mariner, it don't take 
him long to find 
That there's no place like home upon this 
earth. 
If you're out upon a lark and get locked up 
over night, 
As up and down your narrow cell you 
roam, 
When you take the " Black Maria " there's 
time then to reflect 
That there's no place like home. 
Home, home, sweet, sweet home, 

If you're out upon the sea and as sick as 
you can be, 
There's no place like home. 

I was single and quite happy not so many 
years ago, 
When a captivating charmer that I met, 

Won me over and I wed her, thinking mar- 
ried life was bliss, 



TALKS 87 

But it^s blister since I married her, you 
bet. 
She always wears my boxing-gloves to 
meet me at the door, 
When her temper's up from out her mouth 
she'd foam, 
When she tries to make it pleasant I ap- 
preciate the fact 
There's no place like home. 
Home, home, sweet, sweet home, 

When the landlord wants his rent and you 
hav'n't got a cent 
There's no place like home. 

GRANDFATHER'S PANTS 



(Air, " My Grandfather's Clock.") 

My grandfather he, at the age of ninety- 
three, 
Got disgusted and made up his mind to 
die. 
He was very well to do, and the neighbors 
that he knew 



88 . TALKS 

They all came in from Townsentown to 
cry. 
Of course lie left a will, and lie left to 
brother Bill 
His advice to grab whene'er he had a 
chance, 
A mortgage on the farm, and the hinges on 
the barn, 
And he left to me his old brown pants. 

How they tittered, how they'd yell, 
Even my brother and my sister Nell. 
Gave me the laugh whene'er they got 

a chance, 
'Cause grandpa only left to me his old 
brown pants. 
One day my brother Bill went down to 
Barnses' Mill, 
Took off his clothes, jumped in the race 
to swim, 

When a neighbor's William goat chewed 
the buttons off his coat 



TALKS 89 

And ate his pants, for summer they were 
thin. 
That left Bill in a plight, there he had to 
stay all night, 
I took his girl Maria to the dance. 
Poor Bill began to cry, then to sympathize, 
said I, 
Wouldn't you like to have the old brown 
pants ? 

How they tittered, how they'd yell, 
Even my brother and my sister Nell. 
Gave me the laugh whene'er they got 

a chance, 
'Cause grandpa only left to me his old 

brown pants. 

MONTRAVERS O'BRIEN 



(A Parody on " Shamus O'Brien.") 

Just after the season, in the year '82, 
When the boys were all home, for the sum- 
mer quite blue 3 



90 TALKS 

'Twas the custom whenever an angel was got 
To show him the "Square," when they hung 

round that spot. 
Ah, it's thim was hard days for an honest 

"legit," 
If he missed at the agents, he'd meet with 

no " sit." 
And whether the managers or stars pro* 

nounced sentence, 
It's plenty of time he had for repentance. 
And it's many the fine boy was short on his 

keepin' 
With small share of actin' or eatin' or 

sleepin'. 
For a pestilence came to the legitimate stage 
And musical comedies grew all the rage. 
And because he loved art and scorned to 

sell it 
A prey to such " trash," how well he would 

tell it. 
Unsheltered by night, and no chance to play, 
With the Square for his barracks, and no 

salary day 1 



TALKS 91 

Yet the boldest and hardest up "fake" of 

them all 
Was Montravers O'Brien of the town of 

Great Gall. 
" These so-called c comedies/ ye gods," he 

would say, 
"They will ruin the business, they've 

turned my hair gray." 
But he swore to have vengeance, as each 

job he'd miss, 
And one fatal night a farce skit did he hiss. 
'Twas in Quincy town, in the good State of 

111., 
He happened one night to be out of the bill. 
And these " mummers," who never had held 

a position, 
Had openly opened in dead opposition. 
To dream of 'twas sad, but to know it was 

hard, 
The "legits" had in barely a corporal's 

guard, 
While the house round the corner was 

packed to the doors, 
And the air it was heavy with triple encores. 



92 TALKS 

One night about eight, with the crowd pour* 

ing in, 
He went to the office and planked down his 

"tin." 
For art could not bend to these mountebanks 

fresh, 
And he'd too much pride to say, " Pass the 

profesh." 
So he seated himself in the very front row 
And began his attacks on this "measely* 

show. 
With hissing and hooting and galling dis« 

play 
He called them "barn-stormers," causing 

utter dismay, 
Till the theatre policeman, alarmed by the 

din, 
Took Monty O'B. and quick run him in. 
Next day the town justice he faced without 

dread, 
And Monty O'Brien made answer, and said: 
"My Lord, if you ask me if in my lifetime 
I ere lost a season or gagged any line 



TALKS 93 

That could call to my cheek as I stand 
alone here 

The hot blush of shame, or coldness of fear, 

Though I l stood up' my landlady and then 
had to go, 

Before man and the world I would answer 
you no. 

But if you would ask me regarding this 
matter 

If I'd fought in rebellion against the ham- 
fatter 

And stood by my art from the first to the 
close 

And would shed my stage blood for its bit- 
terest foes, 

I answer you yes. And I tell you again, 

Though I stand here for judgment, I will 
say in the main, 

In her cause I was willing that salary be shy. 

But I could not eat bread, while they feasted 
on pie." 

Then the silence was great, and the justice 
smiled bright, ( 



94 TALKS 

And concluded the sentence he'd make 

rather light. 
Then he said, as his smile seemed to broadly 

increase : 
"Ten dollars and costs for disturbing the 

peace." 
11 O Judge ! darling don't," said the dashing 

soubrette, 
" He's the kindliest creature you ever met 

yet." 
"Don't part us forever," the leading lady 

cried, 
And the "heavy man" wept and the "ju- 
venile " sighed, 
And the group of "utility" people looked 

sad ; 
They knew he was broke and his prospects 

were bad. 
But the window was open, and O'Brien, with 

one bound, 
Leaped out in the courtyard on to the ground. 
The actors ran this way, the officers that, 
And the "second old woman" lost her two* 



TALKS 95 

dollar hat. 

To-night lie will sleep in an east-bound 
freight train, 

And the devil's in the dice if they catch 
him again. 

He has pawned his new tights, and soon he 
will be 

Back in the Bowery where the lunch coun- 
ter's free. 



96 TALKS 

SAMPLES OF MY PRIVATE 
CORRESPONDENCE 



} 



Executive Mansion 

Washington, March 17th, 1887 

Gentlemen : — With many thanks for your 
kind offer to place a box at my disposal, to 
enable me to witness one of your perform- 
ances, I write to say that I shall gladly 
avail myself of the privilege thus tendered 

Yours very truly 

Grover Cleveland 

JOHN McCULLOUGH'S INDORSEMENT 

Thursday morning 
George Thatcher, Arch Street Opera House 
My Dear Sir : — Permit me to thank you 
for a most enjoyable evening passed in wit- 
nessing the very excellent entertainment 
given by yourself and your associates. I 



TALKS 97 

shall always bear it in mind for its cleanli- 
ness, originality, and superabundance of 
really excellent Humor. 

Yours sincerely 

John McCullough 



SARA BERNHARDT^ INVITATION 

(Translation) 

Saturday morning 

Gentlemen : — I can Hardly find words to 
express my enjoyment of your delightful 
performance. Accept my tHanks for tHe 
courtesy of extending a special perform- 
ance to me. I sHould feel flattered if you 
would accept tHe Hospitalities of tHe theatre 
this afternoon, and Have reserved a box for 
your occupancy. 

Very sincerely 

Sara Bernhardt 



98 TALKS 

FROM THE REV. DR. HOUGHTON 

242 West 58th St., ) 
New York, January 16th. j 
My Dear Sir : — I am very much obliged 
to you for your really courteous note. I 
was present at the performance last even- 
ing and enjoyed it exceedingly. So much 
so that at some future day I shall again 
avail myself of your kind invitation. 
I remain, yours very truly 
G. C. Houghton 

"ELI PERKINS" HEARD FROM 

44 Bast 76TH Street ) 

New York, June 3d j 

Mr. George Thatcher : 

I've had to write about you a good many 
times, and I expect to write about you a 
good many times in the future. It always 
gives me pleasure to witness your perform- 
ances and listen to your original droll say- 
ings. You may look for me Wednesday 
night, June 6th, close to the front. 

" Eu Perkins " 



TALKS 99 

ENGLISH WIT AND SARCASM 

Garrick Club ) 
London, July 15th, 1880 j 

Mr. Thatcher, St. James* Hall, Picadilly : 

Pardon me if I ask you to explain what 
evidently was a bit of your American wit, 
but for the life of me, old fellow, it is so ob- 
scure, I failed to see the point. Last night 
at the club some of the lads, don't you know, 
were exceedingly amused at my expense or 
yours. I am at loss to understand which. 
It happened in this way. My friend Chum- 
ley introducing us, said, to use his own 
words, " Mr. Thatcher, my friend Mr. Hart." 
You said something about a bob-tail flush, 
don't you know, and everybody howled, but I 
— and I felt like an ass. Now, old boy, I 
am going to take a jaunt over to your little 
country after Lord Mayor's day, and if you 
have any clubs in America and will show 
me the droll side of that little remark, pos- 
sibly I could use it over there and make 



IOO TALKS 

some other fellow feel like an ass, don't you 
know. Respectfully 

Arthur Clevering Barrington Hart 

FROM A COMPOSER 

Mr. Thatcher : 

I have written a new song which I 
wonld like yonr troupe to sing to-night. 
I am well known in town here, and if they 
will sing the song I think you will get a 
big crowd. I inclose the chorus. If you 
like, I will come around and teach you the 
rest. This is the chorus. I forgot to say 
the song is called, "Papa, kiss me before I 
depart." It goes like this : 
Papa, kiss me before I depart 

Mother's hair is turning gray, 
Sister expects to join the angels, 

Papa, kiss me right away. 
Kiss, kiss — o-h ! — kiss, kiss me papa, 

O-h ! kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, o-h ! 

It's all just as good as the above, but 



TALKS 103 

there are only six kisses in the last verse. 

Truly, etc., 

H C 

Indianapolis, October 25th, 1888 

AN APPLICATION FROM AN ARTIST 

Syracuse, Sept. 26th, 1889 
Dear Colonel: 1 — My " pipes " 2 are all 
right again, and the " plumber " 3 says I can 
tackle the road once more. I am in pretty 
good shape, all but my " wheel " 4 and my 
left "lamp." 6 I hope "biz" 6 is big and 
want to join on next season. What's the 
show for a " sit ?" 7 Red's " sails " 8 have 
gone back on him ; he had them frost-bitten 
in " Roch." 9 or " Buf." 10 He is here with a 
new "lid" 11 and "quilt," 12 and a pair of 
darling " vamps," 13 and " he's out of sight." 14 
I aint worked since I left the show, and the 
landlady's getting fresh, but she aint 
" heeled " 15 — if she had the " stuff" 16 in her 
14 kicks " 17 she'd put it on the " spread." 18 



102 TALKS 

Me and Red is willing to go next season as 
" Henry Clays " 19 with " trimmings. " 20 
Yonrs and mine 

Billy R. J 



For the benefit of the reader it will be necessary to add a 
Key to interpret the expressions made use of so fluently by my 
friend William : 

1 Colonel — An abused title in this instance. 

2 Pipes — The organs of the throat. 

3 The Plumber— The doctor. 
* Wheel—The foot. 

6 Lamp— The eye. 

6 Biz — An abbreviation of business. 

» Sit-w An abbreviation of situation. 

c Sails — The ears. 

9 Roch. — Abbreviation of Rochester. 
io B u f # — Abbreviation of Buffalo. 
" Lid— A hat. 
M Quilt — An overcoat. 

13 Vamps — Shoes. 

14 Out of Sight— Looking well. 
18 Heeled — Having money. 

16 Stuff— Money. 
" Kicks— Pockets. 

18 Spread— The table. 

19 Henry Clays— Two for twenty-nVe. 

20 Trimmings — Expenses. 



TALKS IC3 

THE "SHINDIG" DID IT 

Tuesday 
To Boss of Show to-night: 

We are going to have a shindig up at 
old Sam Allen's to-night. It's his birth- 
day, so we can't go to the show, but if you 
want to come up after you git through and 
bring your music up — why we'll give you 
all the cider you can put away. 

Yours 

The Committee 

LOST OPPORTUNITY 

, N. J., Aug. ist 

Mr. George Thatcher : 

I would like to have your troupe play in 
- my hall. You would git as much as fifty 
dollars in the hall sure. It has seats for 
ninety-four. I just put in some new lamps 
and ten bran new cane-bottom chairs, and a 
new heaven for little Eva. 

Yours truly, 



104 TALKS 

TERMS ACCEPTED 

A brief correspondence with a profes- 
sional wag, whom I had found necessary to 
dispense with, but whose determination was 
not to be balked. 

Boston, March 6th 

George Thatcher. 

Dear Sir : — What are the best terms you 
can offer me for the rest of the season ? 

G. H. B 

Philadelphia, March 7th, 1879 
G. H. B- — 

Sir; — I would not have you on any terms. 

George Thatcher 
Boston, March 8th 

George Thatcher. 

Dear Sir: — Terms accepted. Will be on 
immediately. - 

G. H. B 



TALKS I05 

A GOOD SUBJECT 

Baltimore, May 4th, 1871 

Mr. Thatcher : 

Do you want to hire a boy? I would like 
you to take my son John and see what you 
can do for him. His mother and me has 
tried everything, but it's no good. We 
have had him working on a farm, and he 
has been in the reform school twice. He's 
no earthly good to anybody, so we have 
made up our minds to put him on the 
stage. 

Please answer. 

A. R 

— Arlington Ave. 



A RIVAL INTERCEPTED 

New York, August 14th, 1889 
George Thatcher. 

Deer Sur : — I wood like a job. i am a 
yung man, with too voices, i can sing like 
a reel gurl, or a man besides. Muny haint 



106 TALKS 

no objeck, an i think i kin be as big a fool 
as you air, if i git a sho. Pleas rite or send 
back stamp herewith in close. 
Yours trooly, 

P.G.P — , 

Statun F Po. 

CONTRARY OPINIONS 

Chicago, June 18th, 1884 
Dear Sir : — I would like to go to your 
performance to-night if there was a guaran- 
tee of anything new. The last two min- 
strels that were here sang songs I used to 
hear my grandfather sing, and told chest- 
nuts, and looked just the same as they did 
when I used to go to see them as a boy. 
The circus now has changed, we have three 
rings where we had one. The theatre has 
improved, it gives us more art, more realism. 
Why must the minstrels still persist in 
singing the Swanee River, and dressing 
Uke mourners ? 



John R. B. L- 



TALKS 107 

George Thatcher. 

Sir : — Pray pardon my seeming boldness, 
but I want to ask you if minstrelsy of to- 
day is what it should be. Why do you 
not, as one of its important factors, use 
your influence to restore it to its old-time 
prestige ? We want not tinsels and gaudi- 
ness, but the plain, old-fashioned semicircle, 
such as Bryant, Buckley and Christy gave 
us. We long for the good old minstrel 
songs of old. Our ears tingle to hear the 
Old Folks at Home, and Stephen Foster's 
old-time gems, and the once more familiar 
sound of such wit as Eph Horn's story of 
the chew-chew locomotive. 
Yours, 

Chas. L. S 

Lynn,>Mass., December 1st, 1884 



WRITTEN UNDER DIFFICULTIES 

Possibly the reader may have undergone 
the experience of trying to compose a letter 



108 TALKS 

in a room occupied by others who are hold- 
ing various conversations on as many dif- 
ferent themes. The following letter is sup- 
posed to have been written by a commercial 
traveler in a hotel office, while surrounded 
by the usual after-dinner gathering. He, 
in an unconscious mood mixed his missive 
with such a conglomeration of remarks that 
gave his better half such uneasiness as to 
cause her to pause between insisting upon 
an examination before the board of lunacy 
or a divorce court. It runs thus : 

My Darling Wife : 

How I long to see you, dear. Cords 
quoted at6j}4. I miss your loving face every 
hour of the what bosh ! rubbish. I was think- 
ing just now of poor Lucy. Pm mashed on 
her sister. You know, my dearest wife, there 
is not a moment pork is dull and I shall al- 
ways regard our home with too much beer 
to me it is the only s^ot you 1 re off, even now 
I can see your sweet tariff reform before my 



TALKS t09 

clean towels in 27. Tell your dear mother 
she } s spavined. I would not trade the chil- 
dren are all well. And Aunt Hannah says 
she can trot in 16. I shall call in the morn- 
ing and have one with me. I am not feeling 
well, so shall take three cards please believe 
me my thoughts are always a dollar harder. 
Your loving husband, 

Jack Pott. 



IIO TALKS 



CONDENSED TALKS 



Everything equalizes itself in this world. 
The rich man has ice in the summer and 
the poor man in the winter. 



Why is Jewish bread like the Brooklyn 
Bridge ? 

Because it's made to pass-over. 



I knew a man in Jersey who was the 
meanest, stingiest man I ever saw. He had 
a wart on his neck and he was so mean that 
he used it for a collar-button. 



A young lady of my acquaintance had 
the loveliest hair I ever saw. I told Joe 
about it and he said it was a chestnut ; but 
it wasn't, for she bought it yesterday. She 
gave her chestnut hair to her sister. 



TALKS * * I 

It's astonishing the jealousy existing in 
rival cities in the West. Now, for example, 
take the twin cities, Minneapolis and St. 
Paul. They actually talk of taking the 
Bible out of the public schools in Minne- 
apolis just because it mentions St. Paul and 
don't say anything about Minneapolis. 



Old Mrs. Simmons had a christening up 
at her house yesterday. It was twins — they 
Joth came in the world at the same time, 
so she named one " Simul " and the other 
11 Taneus." Simultaneous — see ? 



If you don't know why they always 
speak of a city as she I can tell you. It's 
because there is so much bustle about it. 



Here's a little point I've just discovered 
in Astrology. The sun is the father of the 
moon. It's not much credit to him though, 
for the moon gets full once a month and 
generally does it on its last quarter ; but 



112 TALKS 

then the sun is just as bad — he never shows 
up till morning. 

Why is a cigar like the opera ? If it's 
good you'll take a " box," but if it's bad, 
no matter how much " puffing " you give it, 
it will not " draw." 



I saw a friend of mine to-day. He said 
he was so glad to hear of my success. He 
said it pleased him to know I began at the 
bottom and worked up. I told him I was 
sorry he couldn't do the same in his busi- 
ness — he's a well-digger. 



I was made a godfather yesterday. I stood 
up for a young lady in a street-car. 



When I was a boy going to school, we 
used to have fine fun. There were 
two teachers, Mr. Johnson and Mr, Hugg. 
Johnson used to teach the boys and Hugg 
the girls. 



TALKS 113 

I called on a young lady last evening and 
lost my overcoat. When I came in she 
said, " Take off your overcoat — you won't 
feel it when you go out." And I didn't ! 



Did you hear Germany had gone prohibi- 
tion ? Bismarck took water. 

I had trouble at my boarding-house this 
morning. I complained to the landlady 
that everything about the place was going 
from bad to worse, and as I sat down to 
dinner I told her the napkins were damp. 
She cruelly remarked that she rubbed them 
on my board bill and it was all over due. 



A friend of mine went down to Coney 
Island the other day and took a dip. I 
asked him how he found the water, and he 
said, " Easy enough. It was all around the 
island." I went down there frequently 
last summer. I didn't like it, though. I 
was under medical treatment. My physi- 



114 TALKS 

cian told me it was necessary to take a stiff 
drink after coming ont of the water, but I 
had to give it up. It kept me going in the 
water all the time. 



You don't know why a water-melon is so 
full of water ? It's because they are planted 
in the spring. 

That little brother of mine, Jimmy, swal- 
lowed a silver dollar yesterday, and we 
called in a doctor. He vaccinated him two 
or three times, and fished around with a 
hook and line for five hours, but he couldn't 
find the dollar. Then he stood him on his 
head, and put mustard-plasters all over him, 
but all to no avail. But it's all right, 
Jimmy's going with Barnum's circus. Bar- 
num says there's money in him. 



I went to meeting last Sunday. Laws ! 
how it did rain ! I took my umbrella with 



TALKS 115 

me, put it under the seat, and when I came 
out it was raining harder than ever. I 
looked for my umbrella — it was gone — some 
one had stolen it. I went right back, and 
before anybody got out, I stood up and 
said, " Brothers and sisters, somebody has 
stolen my umbrella. I am not going to say 
who took it, but if that umbrella isn't in 
my back yard by six o'clock to-morrow 
morning I'll come round next Sunday morn- 
ing and tell the whole congregation who 
stole it." What was the consequence? 
When I woke up next morning the back 
yard was full of umbrellas. 

CLIPPINGS FROM THE PRESS 

Wanted. — A treasurer for a bank ; one 
without arms preferred. 

Wanted. — A young Christian gentleman 
desires to exchange religion for good board. 

Lost. — A little dog, by a gentleman with 
a muzzle, who answers to the name of 
"Fido." 



Il6 TALKS 

Lost. — A black goat, by a widow lady 
with a broken horn. 

For Sale.— A magnificent rosewood piano, 
by a gentleman with carved legs. 

To Let. — Delightful summer residence, 
two minutes' walk from station, one mile to 
nearest saloon, and directly opposite insane 
asylum. 

For Sale. — Two lots, by a gentleman 
next door to the brick-yard ; can be had at a 
bargain, as the owner is not expected to 
live. 

Business Opportunity. — Two young gen- 
tlemen are willing to go into business, on 
capital furnished by any charitably inclined 
person. 

Wanted. — A first-class cook desires a po- 
sition as housekeeper with some wealthy 
widower who does not object to onions and 
genial companionship. 



I never knew how much ice-cream a young 
lady could eat until I went home and con- 



TALKS 117 

suited my arithmetic, and it distinctly says, 
and I have no right to dispute it, that one 
gal. is equal to four quarts. 



Did you hear about Peterson jumping off 
the Brooklyn Bridge ? The papers said it 
was a case of suicide, but it wasn't, it was a 
case of drop-see. 



Asparagus is the most aesthetic of all 
vegetables, because it's too awfully butt. 



My young lady is an awfully sweet 
talker. She has no teeth, and all her words 
are gum drops. 



That's a peculiar sign in front of tbat 
cyster house on Canal Street, " Wanted. — 
A young man to open oysters seventeen 
years old." 

What do you think ! Joe Miller says he 
showed his girl my picture one day last 



Il8 .TALKS 

week, saying it was taken for him, and she 
hasn't spoken to him since. " 



My Uncle Zeb had the baldest head I 
ever saw — just about six hairs on each side 
— and when he tried to brush them over his 
baldness he put me in mind of a rabbit dog. 
He would make a little "hare" go a long 
way. 

If you were to die and I were to marry 
your wife, what relation would I be to her ? 
Why her step-husband — you would step out 
and I would step in. 



If I were going to marry I would want 
my wife to resemble an almanac, for then I 
could get a new one every year. 



A speaker once remarked at a mass meet- 
ing, u The great voice of the people demands 
a change in the division of money. It is 
not equally divided and it should be by all 



TALKS "9 

means. If I had my way, I'd call in all the 
money in the country, then I'd get every- 
body around and share and share alike, and 
say : now go off and spend it and have a 
good time," when a voice broke in, " Yes, 
but after they had spent it all, what then ?" 
"Why," said he, " I'd call it all in and di- 
vide it all over again." 



Did you ever know the New family? 
They used to live out in Denver. Oh ! my, 
what a large family it was ! There were 
seventeen children, all boys. There was 
John New, and James New, and Henry and 
Joseph. There were so many that they ran 
out of names. THb last boy was named 
Nothing New. Then there was a little baby 
girl — the first one. They named her Some- 
thing — Something New. 



The latest thing in shoes. Feet. 



Did you ever notice how everything about 



120 TALKS 

the post-office suggests the gentler sex ? In 
the first place, all the mails go there, and 
anything that suggests the feminine gender 
naturally attracts the males. And then, 
again, every lady represents a letter, or 
something pertaining to the post-office. 
Take, as an example, a young married 
woman. She represents a letter that has 
reached its destination. The young lady 
who has been crossed in love resembles a 
letter that has been missent. The nurse 
girls represent the carriers' department. 
Our millionaires' daughters, who are look- 
ing for titles, are always after the foreign 
mails (males) , and an old maid represents a 
letter lost in the general delivery. 



If there were only three women in the 
world, two of them would occupy their time 
getting together and talking about the other 
one. And if there were only three men, 
their time would be occupied running after 
the three women. 



TALKS T 2 l 

It's bound to occur — a tin can to a yellow 
dog's tail ! 

A neighbor of mine is an unhappy speci- 
men of matrimonial existence. He's a car- 
riage maker by trade. He says his wife 
never "spoke" kindly to him, and her wag- 
ging (wagon) tongue makes him tire. 

You will observe I am suffering from a 
cold this evening. I went out for a ride in 
a driving rain, got a hacking cough and am 
a little ho(a)rse. 



A fellow had the impertinence to come up 
to me on the street and say he would like 
to borrow my face for five minutes. When 
I asked him what for, he said a young lady 
had fallen in love with him and he wanted 
to " shake " her. 



The other day I asked a friend of mine a 
question, and he allowed his patriotism to 



122 TALKS 

get the better of his common sense. I said 
to him, " If yon were abont to depart from 
this earthly sphere, would yon rather die 
an American or an Irishman ?" He re- 
sponded quickly, with a spread-eagle wave 
of his e-pluribus-unum arm, "I would rather 
die an American." Now that's where he 
was wrong. If you die an American that's 
the end of it, but if you die an Irishman 
they wake you. 

I went out to the races last week and a 
" tout " gave me some tips. He told me to 
bet on " Tapioca " — it was a pudding. Then 
he told me about a horse named " Hydrant'' 
— he ran well. Then I plunged on " Broom " 
— it was a clean sweep. The next race I 
took a horse named " Hebrew " — he won by 
a nose, and in the last dash I took a fine- 
looking animal called " La Grippe " — and 
he led at the quarter, half, and three-quarter. 
Everything looked favorable for " La 
Grippe," who was a length ahead in the 
home-stretch, but just as they came under 
the wire, in flew Enza (influenza). 



TALKS 123 

ADVICE TO AMATEURS 



The last few years it seems to be the 
rage among amateurs to present minstrelsy 
at their home entertainments, and the 
question is often asked how to begin the 
preparations for such performances. When 
the few points, which I shall endeavor to 
explain, are carried out as far as practica- 
ble, I think the task can be accomplished 
without much difficulty. First, the pro- 
jectors should form themselves into differ- 
ent committees, that the different depart- 
ments may have a thorough management. 
They should not conflict, and each com- 
mittee should take entire control of its 
special department. I would suggest for 
this purpose the following : 

Committee on Finance, whose duty should 
be that of taking charge of all monetary 
affairs (should the performance be given 
with a view of benefit) , and to control the 
receipts. 



124 TALKS 

Committee on Entertainment \ to select the 
gentlemen who are to take part in the per- 
formance, to see that they are provided with 
ballads, comic songs, jokes, etc., and to 
arrange them in consistent order upon the 
programme, to procure costumes, and if 
necessary engage music, etc. 

Committee on Printing and Advertising, 
to take charge of tickets, programmes, 
newspaper advertisements, and whatever 
may be deemed advisable in the way of 
printed matter for distribution. 

To reach an estimate of the expenditures, 
it would be well to inquire into the expense 
that will attend the following : 

Rent of hall 

Musicians necessary 

Printing tickets 

programmes 

(extra) 

Advertising in local press 

Rental of costumes and wigs 

Burnt cork 

Price of tambourines and bones 



TALKS 125 

Orchestral arrangement of ballads and comic 

songs 

Part arrangement for singers 

Ushers and doorkeepers' services 

Fans, gloves, boutonniers, etc., for performers 

Stage properties required 

Express charges • 

Having gone thus far into tlie details, the 
next important move for the Committee 
on Entertainment is to notify those who are 
to take part as to the time and place of re* 
hearsals, to which fully two weeks should 
be given, one each day or evening, lasting in 
every instance from three to four hours, ac- 
cording to progress. Upon every one should 
be impressed the importance of punctuality 
and strict attention. 

The Committee on Entertainment should 
in the meantime call a special meeting, ap- 
point the performers, and make selections 
of songs, jokes, etc., before the initial re- 
hearsal. 

At the first rehearsal the chairman of the 
above committee should announce the se* 



126 



TALKS 



lections to the persons present. He should 
then hand each gentleman his particular 
part for solo or chorus, and with the aid of 
a piano the singers should familiarize them- 
selves with these selections. Little or no 
headway beyond this can be made at the 
first rehearsal or meeting. 

At the second rehearsal, and always there- 
after, the stage should be arranged with 
chairs as follows, occupied by the perform- 
ers in every instance, the end-men on all 
occasions using bones and tambourines to 
perfect themselves in harmonious move- 
ments. 




&&& ? LATF0RM FOR Music m* s AT 



O O O O O O o 



4Q£ 



» rs O U ~ Z ~ Z ^ U O Q » 



n O ~ »* ^ 

1 1 * i l * 



to s 



£ ft w ? to to 

r S- |- s. S. e „ ^ 

3 o orq a o 



1 1 



§■ 



TALKS 127 

The order of the programme should then 
be followed, carefully repeating each num- 
ber as many times as may be necessary to 
show an improvement to the committee. 
As a guide to such procedure I would suggest 
the following outline for an order of enter 
tainment : 

Overture (of popular airs) . . . Orchestra 
With grand choruses, plenty of tambourine 
and bone-work, and a lively finish. 

PART FIRST 

Aolucking Jubilee Song, by Bones and 

Tambo 

Jokes by Bonks 

Baimd, by Tenor 

Jokes by Tambo 

Comic Song, ... by Bones 

Bau,ad, by Baritone 

Jokes by Bones (2) 

Comic Song, ... by Tambo 

Bau<ad, by Base** 

Jokes by Tambo (2) 
Selection for Quartette 



128 TALKS 

PART SECOND 

Banjo or other instrumental 
Selection 
Dancing Specialty 

Stump Speech 

Comic Quartette 

After-piece 

There is no costume more becoming for 
*he minstrel First Part, than the full-dress 
suit, with a distinction for the comedian, 
effected by removing the buttons and 
using brass ones, wearing a large collar 
with points, and an extravagant necktie. 
The others in the circle wear the regulation 
evening dress, with white ties. In prepar- 
ing to color the skin use nothing before 
applying the? prepared burnt-cork, which 
can be had of every wig-maker in the 
country, and in removing it use only cold 
water, a soap that is free to lather, and a 
bath-sponge. All kinds of devices are 
offered, but in an experience of over twenty 
years I find that plain soap and water is 



TALKS I2 9 

more effective than any modern invention I 
have ever found. 

The last rehearsal on the day of the per- 
formance should be merely a running over of 
crude points. The gentlemen taking part 
should be rested as much as possible before 
facing the ordeal. And, allow me to say, 
my dear amateur, if you have never before 
faced an audience and fancy it is not an 
ordeal, you will doubtless have an oppor- 
tunity to change your mind when the cur- 
tain rises and you find yourself born to 
blush unseen — hidden by a layer of burnt- 
cork and glaring over the footlights into a 
vast sea of human faces. 



13° TALKS 

WHAT CONSTITUTES SUCCESS- 
FUL MANAGEMENT 



Liberality without extravagance should 
be the motto of every manager who wishes 
to achieve distinction in any branch of the 
amusement world. Penuriousness and suc- 
cess are not synonymous words. It is an 
impossibility to succeed in the profession 
unless a cautious, open-handed policy is 
strictly followed, and good judgment is dis- 
played even in the most minute matters 
pertaining to, the business. To imagine 
that the manager's lot is a bed of roses 
is a fallacy. And a knowledge of the 
undertaking before plunging headlong into 
the vortex is as essential as in any other 
calling. 

For the benefit of would-be managers, I 
modestly make these assertions, and bid 
them beware. 

That you may be posted in one kind of 



TALKS 131 

public business, it does not follow that 
there is nothing to learn in still another 
branch. "Ne sutor ultra crepidam" 

Capital plays a most important part in the 

drama of " Ambition ;" Experience enacts 

the role of the Teacher, and Folly appears 

as the heavy villain, who, in the last act, 

after playing havoc all through the drama, 

gives way to Reason, the hero ! 

The aspirant for managerial laurels, who, 
through some other calling for which he is 
particularly fitted by nature, has been for- 
tunate enough to lay by a few hundred dol- 
lars, and longing for notoriety in the pro- 
fession, is generally doomed. He invests 
his all in all, and when he sees his name in 
flaming letters on a three-sheet poster as the 
" Sole Manager," the zenith of his ambition 
seems to have been reached. But how soon 
the majority realize to their sorrow that 
something besides their little savings are 
necessary. There is not a week passes over 
our heads, but " one more unfortunate" is 



132 TALKS 

added to the list of those gone before, who 
have been led into the trap by some wary 
schemer with a " new play," or a " star of 
the first magnitude." 

During all the years I have been in the 
profession, and for many as a manager, I 
find there is something to learn every day. 
The manager never graduates ; he must 
keep up with his class, whether Freshmen 
or Sophomore, ab initio, to the end. 

The great majority of managers of wealth 
and standing to-day are men who have suf- 
fered the vicissitudes of a menial position, 
and have made themselves practical profes- 
sionals, by application and careful study, 
which experience alone can furnish. 

I find the minstrel business, in many in- 
stances, differs very little from the oper- 
atic, dramatic, or other branches, which 
the vulgar are pleased to term " show " 
business. Show me a comedy, with a weak 
beginning and finish, even though its 
middle be well filled, and I will show you 



TALKS 133 

a failure. Point me out a minstrel per- 
formance with inferior singing and a dull, 
insipid afterpiece, no matter what its "Olio" 
may provide, and I will show you the same 
result. Everything — as in life — should 
begin well, and finish better. The public 
are capricious, and pay their money to judge 
for themselves, and expect their tastes, not 
the managers, to be suited. If they want 
beef a la mode y he cannot surfeit them with 
boiled ham. 

I remember a well-known manager who 
died a few years ago, who had a decided ob- 
jection to his patrons' dictation. He was a 
clever actor, and as eccentric as he was 
talented. He had built a very handsome 
theatre at his native place in the South- 
west, and the elite of the city had taken unto 
themselves to make Friday the fashionable 
night. Consequently, while the receipts 
suffered every other evening of the week, 
there was always a cultured, dressy, crowded 
attendance each Friday. The city finally 



*34 TALKS 

became known as a Friday-night town, or a 

one-night stand. This so angered my old 
friend that he determined to break it np. He 
remarked he wonld rnn his theatre his way 
and the fashionable play-goers must not be 
their own judges. His motto was identical 
with that of a well-known millionaire — "The 

public be ." My friend, Manager M : 

set about his task after this manner : He 
announced Friday nights as the " People's 
Nights," and placed the prices for that par- 
ticular evening at one-half the usual rates 
of admission. The result was that the fash- 
ionable world of that little aristocratic city 
stayed away altogether, and the "people" 
responded only on Friday evenings. The 
box-office returns continually showed him 
the error of his ways, and after a desperate 
struggle he changed his policy, and re- 
turned to first principles, fully convinced 
that it was not in his province to dictate to 
his patrons. 

I have been personally connected with 



TALKS 135 

several partners, during my managerial 
experience, and differences, as a conse- 
quence, have frequently arisen. In one in- 
stance, a gentleman with whom I was asso* 
ciated had the rather vague impression that 
if the song and dance was perfection, the 
rest of the performance was as naught 
He was under the strange hallucination that 
the public came only to see a terpsichorean 
specialty, and to hear six or eight young 
men in flashing tights warble : 

" ' Neath the flowers in the sunlight, 
Happy moments we will while ; 
As we dance to merry strain-lets, 
In our captivating style.' ' 

Of course I had no reasonable objection 
to make to the " merry strain-lets," or their 
" captivating style " — I knew the public 
liked it, but they wanted other song-lets and 
joke-lets and they did not care to have us 
retrench in other departments. They came, 
in plentiful numbers, to hear good balladists, 
good specialists, good songs and dances and 



I3 6 TALKS 

marches — in fact, everything first class, in 
accordance with the liberality of their 
patronage. With considerable effort, thongh 
only a voice in the matter, and after mnch 
persuasion, I succeeded in gaining the point 
regarding the public demand, only to renew 
again, upon re-organization, my same argu- 
ment ; and I am conceited enough to say, 
if you will pardon me, that to these con- 
cessions in my favor a portion (N. B. — I am 
modest enough to admit a portion) of the 
success achieved was due to my well-taken 
point. 

Therefore, in conclusion, let me advise 
every one of non-experience, who has a 
thought of one day entering the managerial 
field, to bear in mind the words of Davy 
Crockett : 

" Be sure you're right, then go ahead." 

Do not attempt too much ; begin as our 

leading managers began. If you know 

it all before commencing, take my advice 

and don't go at it. If your mind is fully 



TALKS 137 

settled and you are assured that destiny has 
selected you for an operatic impressario, a 
theatrical or minstrel manager, then begin, 
by all means, by gaining the respect of the 
people, socially and professionally, with 
whom you are brought in contact. Secure 
the commendation of the public, the esteem 
of your brother managers, and the confi- 
dence of your creditors, and you will succeed 
in lightening the burden of responsibility 
that is necessarily attached to the arduous 
duties that constitute successful manage- 
ment. 



I38 TALKS ' ' 

VALEDICTORY 



In closing this conglomeration of occa- 
sional originalities and superfluously liberal 
snpply of antedilnvian and preadamite pre- 
amble, I most humbly beg the reader's leni- 
ency in the matter of criticism, and pray 
that he or she, as the case may be, will not 
think I have assnmed too mnch in present- 
ing these plain, unvarnished tales. I have 
taken as my text that good old proverb ; 

" A little nonsense now and then 
Is relished by the best of men." 
I do not assume for one moment that I am 
aufait as a literatus, nor have I, as they say 
in Latin, &cocoethes scribendi, but still I dare 
to hope that amongst all of these little incon- 
sistencies there may be a bonne bouche that 
perchance may act as a brutum fulmen on 
the risibility of the non-skeptical critic, who 
by accident or from causes unknown, may 
fn a misguided moment have selected this 



TALKS 139 

little book to bestow upon it a tithe of their 
time. While I shall be deeply flattered by 
any attention that may be conferred upon it, 
I will not lay the flattering unction to my 
soul that it is inspired by any (portrayal) of 
genius on my part. Man proposes and 
his publisher disposes. Therefore, in say- 
ing Adieu, my dear reader, let me request 
you to consider the motive which alone, and 
to its fullest meaning, is described so flu- 
ently in the two lines above, quoted from the 
immortal Ben Jonson and so 

Vive vale (farewell and be happy). 



FORTUNE 
TELLING 

By Madame Xanto 

9 I HIS complete and thoroughly 
up-to-date volume contains a 
vast fund of information, regarding the 
various methods of foretelling future 
events by means of cards, dominoes, 
tea and coffee grounds, dice, etc., to- 
gether with love charms, chapters 
on flower language, phrenology, palm- 
istry, and Napoleon's Oraculum. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



Love letters 

By Isabelle Ingram 

A N invaluable book on the eti- 
quette of introductions, court- 
ships, and proposals, with directions 
when to use and how to write love 
letters, and a continuous series of en- 
tirely new, varied, and original letters 
to be used as models. It provides 
for every occasion on which a love 
letter is required, and is the most 
sensible book on the subject in print 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St,, Philadelphia 



BOXING 

By J. C. Trotter 



^T^HERE is no better physical ex- 
ercise than boxing, and none 
more generally v misunderstood and 
abused. This book not only thor- 
oughly covers all phases of the sub- 
ject, but presents it in such an intelli- 
gent way that any one, by following 
the simple directions given here, can 
easily become a proficient boxer. 
Illustrated by numerous drawings. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia i 



CARD TRICKS 

By Ellis Stanyon 

^^fO more agreeable form of public 
or private amusement can be 
devised than that of successful card 
tricks. The great trouble is usually 
the difficulty in learning the tricks or 
in successfully producing them. The 
information contained in this book 
covers not only the more popular 
tricks, but gives full details as to the 
production of many entirely new ones, 
and in such a plain and clear manner 
as to render their success certain. 
Illustrated by numerous drawings. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
Q25 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



CONUNDRUMS 

By Dean Rivers 

/CONUNDRUMS are intellectual 
exercises which sharpen our wits 
and lead us to think quickly and to 
the point. They are also the source 
of an infinite amount of pleasure 
and amusement, whiling away tedious 
hours, and putting every one in a 
good humor. This collection wiD 
afford recreation for those who gather 
around the fireside to make merry 
with their friends, and will greatly 
quicken their natural intelligence. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



TALKS 

By George Thatcher 

THE CELEBRATED MINSTREL 



' I ^HIS book supplies in a most 
satisfactory way the want that 
has been but indifferently met by 
the usual stump-speech book. Mr. 
Thatcher is without doubt the most 
popular man in minstrelsy, his name 
being known among mirth -loving 
people everywhere, not only in 
America, but beyond the seas. The 
book, a very library of humor, con- 
tains all his Monologues, Parodies, 
Songs, Sketches, Poems, and Jokes. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
Q25 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



JOKES 



Gathered by Henry Firth Wood 

THE POPULAR HUMORISl 



HT^HIS attractive little volume is a 
collection of the brightest, fun- 
niest, and most catchy jokes of the 
day. They are all short, some of 
them occupying only six or eight 
lines, but they are as pointed as short, 
and all are fairly bristling with wit 
and humor of the keenest kind. 
There are no old ones among them, 
the collection being the very ktest crop. 
There are some clever illustrations. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



BASE BALL 

By John Montgomery Ward 

<——■■ — — — 

TTOW to become a player, with 
the origin, history, and explana- 
tion of the game. The book not 
only tells how every position should 
be played, but shows how to use the 
different curves, how to mislead the 
batter, to hit safely, to steal bases 
—in fact, it gives complete directions 
for becoming an expert player, 

Paper binding, 25 cents 
Cloth binding, 50 cents 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



THE DOG 

By John Maxteb 



A HANDY volume for everyone 
who owns a dog. How to se- 
lect any particular breed, the care of 
the dog from time of puppyhood, 
his diseases, manner of training for 
show purposes, tricks that may be 
taught — these and a thousand other 
matters of interest are here told in sim- 
plest form. Numerous illustrations. 
Paper binding, 25 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



FULL OF FUN 



' I V HIS book is composed of three 
popular titles : Conundrums, 
by Dean Rivers i Talks, by George 
Thatcher, and Jokes, by Henry 
Firth Wood, thus containing the best 
and freshest in all that is bright and 
witty. It will afford excellent amuse- 
ment for the fireside, prove a storehouse 
from which to draw material for anec- 
dote or illustration, and be valuable 
for public reading or entertainment. 

Paper binding, 50 cents. 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

025 Filbert St.- Philadelphia 



DREAM BOOK 

By Madame Xanto 

^pHERE'S "something in" 
dreams. They have a mean* 
ing and a relation to one's hopes and 
prospects. Dreams may be a guide 
to action, with such a sure key as 
this simple and scientific book affords. 
All haphazard guess work and super- 
stitious nonsense has been eliminated 
and only the most reliable authorities, 
including the Old English, Celtic, and 
Gypsy, have been consulted. The 
Xanto Oracle also answers with sur- 
prising clearness many questions of 
v ital interest to the reader. 

Paper binding, 25 cents 



THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
925 Filbert St., Philadelphia 



PLAYS 



And books for all kinds of Entertain- 
ments and Exhibitions. Send for ful 
descriptive catalogue to The Penr 
Publishing Company, No. 925 Filberl 
Street, Philadelphia. 




■ 



•i-j^v. 



